Eternal Randomness

And now for something completely differerent.

2011-04-15T16:46:00.005-06:00

I got bored today and decided to log into this and see what's new. I made a few changes and added the fish. I don't know why but they entertained me.

So long and thanks for the fish!

A song heard

2009-10-02T12:02:00.000-06:00

As I was pumping gas this morning at the Maverick on my way into work, there was a song playing over the speakers. Its a song I've heard before, but never paid much attention to it. Its a few years old and is not in a genre I normally listen to. As I was listening to the words, I realized quite quickly that its everything I've been feeling lately. I haven't found a song in a very long time that hits every part of what's been going on in my life.

Lost

2009-09-30T16:19:00.000-06:00

I have so much on my mind that I don't even know where to start. I feel lost and alone and that the world is against me. I feel as if I'm being punished for something I've done in the past. I know I'm not perfect, but I can't figure out what I've done to deserve this.

I had a dream the other night. In this dream everything I have been working for, and wanting had come true. I felt as if my life was finally complete and that I was whole. I wanted more than anything for the dream to never end and for it to be reality. The exact memory of the dream is now lost to me, yet I can still recall a vague memory which I long for. The sense of belonging it gave me is now gone and I want it back. I know there is no way I can get it back, I know that the chances of my life working out the way it did in my dreams is so distant I shouldn't even dwell on it, but I can't stop. I can remember how it made me feel, and I want that feeling back. I want to make my dream, my reality.

I'm trying to stay optimistic about things, but I don't know if I can keep it up much longer. The dark places in my mind seem to be overtaking anything good that I can think of. I can feel myself slipping down in a dark place that I don't think I've ever been too before. I've been to the darkness in my mind before, but this one seems worse than the others. It feels more oppressive, thicker and that if I let myself fall I may never come back from it. I feel as if I'm actually losing grip on who I am. It scares me and I don't know what to do to make it stop.

Precarious

2009-08-10T21:28:00.003-06:00

I want something I can't have. I can't stop thinking about it. No matter how hard I try its always right there, but yet I don't want it to go away. If it did I think I would feel like I've lost something that I could never get back, and that thought scares me. I feel as if I'm torturing myself. This is no ones fault but my own. I've brought this upon myself. As hard as I tried to not go down this path here I stand anyway. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know how to stop. The more I think about it, the more I covet. I know its wrong, yet that does not change it, it still has me trapped. I don't want to make the same mistakes of the past, I can't do that again. Yet I can't help but think that maybe this time it would be different. Deep down, I know it wouldn't, it would end up exactly the same.

So alone I sit and think, and wonder, and want. For the time being I've kept myself from going down the wrong path. I can see part of the way down it, and it looks so inviting, so tempting, so warm. My desire to put one foot in front of the other is so strong, its hard to stand still and merely just observe. Why do I keep finding myself in places like this? How is it that I seem to keep repeating the same things over and over again? Why for once, can't I have what I want?

Circles

2009-07-08T13:34:00.003-06:00

Standing on the sidewalk trying to figure out which direction to go, the man finds himself confronted with several options. The road he is currently on is dimly lit but is comforting. He's walked this road before, knows what to expect and knows everyone along the way. The other road currently has no lights on it, and seems very dark. It fills him with a sense of deja vu. He stops and thinks for a moment and realizes that in fact he has. There was a time when this road was appealing it was filled with wonder and excitement. The last time he took this road it ended abruptly. It ended with much pain, sorrow and remorse. How can it possible for him to be standing at the same crossroads again? How have things come full circle? He studies the roads and determines while it appears the same, it is in fact a new road. While this new road shares many similarities they are in fact quite different. He can't quite put his finger on it, but just knows it to be true. He looks down both roads again thinking quietly to himself, which way should I go?

Angle Dance

2008-12-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

I couldn't pass up sharing one of my favorite videos of all time.

Enjoy!

Michael Crichton

2008-11-05T22:31:00.003-07:00

I just found out that Michael Crichton has died at age 66. He was by far and wide my favorite author of all time. I always looked forward to his new books and devoted much time to reading his words. His writings always provided a glimpse into the future of new technologies or emerging ideas. His books always made me think about what was really possible in the world. I will miss reading new works from him, but I have the joy of my personal collection and knowing that I can go back and relive his greatness. You will be missed deeply.

No reason

2008-09-21T18:05:00.003-06:00

A sudden wave of darkness has settled over me, leaving me feeling alone and frightened. I know there isn't a reason for it yet I can't shake it. I try and will it away yet it rushes back stronger than before. Every time it hits me its like I've never felt it before. It shocks my system, I find it hard to breath, I find it hard to maintain my composure. I don't know what to do to make it go away. I don't know how to stop it from coming back. I try to find a cause, a reason, anything that would explain this, yet the harder I look the darker it becomes.

Roadblock

2008-09-01T12:02:00.004-06:00

A roadblock I've placed stands before me. I peek around it looking to see what I've blocked off from myself. Wondering if what lies down that road is as bad as I thought it was. I've spent a great deal of time standing at this intersection lately. It seems as though I can't think of anything else. My mind always seems to come back to this one place. I've torn down several large pieces to see if it what lies beyond is as bad as I've led myself to believe. What I've found there is something I've started to long for. I want to walk down this road. I want to see and feel it. Never had I thought I'd stand at this point and want to walk down this road, yet here I am wanting to experience it first hand.

Its time to say goodbye.

2008-07-31T21:28:00.003-06:00

My dear and sweet friend our time has come that we must part ways. You've been there with me through the good times, the bad times and the worst times. I've leaned on you when times were tough, and held you up high when things were going great. I will miss your ways, the satisfaction you give me. Most of all I will miss feeling you going into my lungs. I will miss you my dearest smokes, but it is time we went our separate ways. Its time for me to move on. Its not you, its me, I swear it. You've always been a friend when I needed one, and I could never have asked for anything more. I don't regret my decision to leave you behind, in fact I rejoice in it. I'm done with you. So long and farewell. May our paths never cross again!

Comments

2008-07-25T21:20:00.004-06:00

A comment made whether intentional or not can sometimes inspire hope. A few simple words bring forth a guiding light that is unlike anything in the world. I don't dare ask if what I heard was true or if I even heard it correctly. I'm perfectly happy being blissfully unaware in this moment. I feel as if everything is going where it should, will go where I want.

The last few days have been amazing. I feel alive. I feel like I have a purpose again. While I still don't know what tomorrow holds, I hold on to what I have now and it guides me forward. I don't want to let it go. I want to nourish it and let it grow and blossom into something great and beautiful. I know its there, hiding under the surface, waiting to sprout.

The great resolution

2008-07-14T22:33:00.003-06:00

So I'm not normally one to make resolutions at New Year's (yes I know its July, just bear with me), but this year I did. I resolved that sometime during this year I would quit smoking. That time has finally come to fruition and I've set a date for the event. August 1st is the current day in question. I've enlisted the help of the Pirate in this time of need and we are going to go down this path together. I know that the two of us doing this together is going to be a bad combo and most people will want to kill us, but its always easier with someone else.

Wish us luck!

Shield

2008-07-13T19:08:00.003-06:00

Nothing makes sense. I try to put the pieces back together but they are too small. Its been broken into too many tiny pieces. The only thing I know now is the move forward and pretend I don't care until I actually don't. That day has to come eventually. Eventually I'll be able to look into my mind and it will stop tormenting me. It will stop trying to see what is no longer there.

I've tried to make things better, but I've failed. I just made things worse. Seems to be the story of my life. Nothing ever works out how I invision it in my mind. It always blows up and makes everything worse. The only solution I see is to stop trying, so that's what I'll do. I give up, I'm done. I've rebuilt my walls and they are here to stay. I will shield myself from having this happen again. I can't handle it again.

Words

2008-07-13T04:36:00.004-06:00

Harsh word said in the most cold and callous way. They pierce through my body and stab my heart. I stop breathing, my eyes lose focus, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Hurt and shock consume my mind and I can't see anything else. My heart starts pounding in my chest, I can feel the anger rising to the surface. It wants to take over everything. I keep it at bay and read it again. It hurt even more the second time. Still haven't taken a breath. I will myself to take a breath. I try to take it in and make sense of it. I can't grasp why it was said. My mind goes over it again and again and I still can't figure it out. It makes no sense. How can it go from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours? I've done nothing wrong. I've done all that was asked.

My body twitches, my mind races and I can't think of anything else. Its consuming me and I fear it may destroy me.

The world spins...

2008-07-12T17:17:00.004-06:00

The world spins with me on it. I'm lost within its grasp. I wish I could be somewhere else and hide from myself. I wish that place existed so it would all go away. The pain, the doubt, the fear. I'm lost and I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I can't see a purpose, a reason, a desire to keep moving forward. I want to sit down and let the world pass me by. I want to disappear into oblivion and be reborn without emotion.

Lost

2008-07-11T21:05:00.004-06:00

My thoughts wander from one place to another. I feel adrift in a sea of confusion. I wish things could be different, the timing better, the feelings not to end. I'm happy for what I had, and shall cherish those memories forever, but now its over and I'm alone. I look forward and can't see anything. Nothing is there but darkness. I turn around and see what was there and it tears me apart. I wish I could go back and live every moment again.

Never before have I let someone go when I still loved them. I've always waited until long after it should have ended, and tortured myself because I was afraid of being alone. While I can't compare this to anything else, and while I know it was the right thing to do, it doesn't make it feel any better. I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself. I feel as if the world may collapse at any moment and swallow me whole. I wish it didn't have to end, I wish it could work, I wish I could put things right.

As I sit here writing this I hope for the future. I hope that time will heal the wounds I've caused. I hope that one day it could happen freely, without fear, and without doubt. Never in my life have I met a woman with whom I felt completely comfortable with. Who I could say anything to, share anything with, and love so deeply.

I fear not knowing the future. I'm afraid we'll never have the chance to find out for sure. I'm afraid of losing a friend. I'm afraid of the darkness.

Stupid car

2008-07-02T22:02:00.002-06:00

So my precious little baby of a car decided it would be a good idea to start squealing like mad while I was driving today. To figure out was going on I pulled off one of the tires and behold I'm down to the metal on one side on my brakes. Let me tell you how happy this made me. Its amazing how shit like this just sneaks up on you. So instead of shopping for a new BBQ grill like I was planning on I got to spend 170 bucks on new pads and rotors for my car. Stupid car repairs, its not like you get anything cool to show for your money after its spent. Oh well, life goes on.

Light

2008-06-29T18:46:00.006-06:00

A light burns brightly up ahead. While I can't see it clearly I take the first step towards it. I can feel the warmth radiating from it even from this great distance. Its comforting and I want to let it wash over me. I want to embrace it, hold it close and never let it go. I take a few more steps, and very slowly I start to see a shape take form. It fills me with hope, and I want to run towards it, to find out what it is, but I must go slow. I have to keep this slow pace, building the anticipation, the excitement, and the wonder of the unknown. My mind races with possibilities wondering what I've found.

Do I dare let myself be taken in by this new wonder?
Do I dare let myself go into the unknown?

The light is burning ever brighter, it calls to me, inviting me in, to feel its warmth and radiance. I'm still a long way from finding the source. I continue to put one foot in front of the other. I let my mind go and it returns with beautiful visions of what lies ahead.

I've let myself go.
I've given myself to the unknown.

Fog

2008-06-25T04:15:00.000-06:00

Fog rolls in and shrouds the view. No longer can anything be seen except for what lies directly ahead. Even that is fuzzy and distorted. Looking around trying to find a clue as to what direction to go. All that surrounds is gray. No clues, no hints, no directions, just gray.

Thoughts best left unsaid

2008-06-15T22:31:00.003-06:00

I started writing tonight and then decided when I was finished that what I wrote shouldn't be shared with the world. I had some thoughts that I can't publish. Its not because I'm afraid of what I said, but because I'm afraid it would change my world and provide influence where there shouldn't be. I'd like to say that one day I'll decide to bring it to the front, but I don't foresee that day happening. Suffice it to say, at least getting it out and saving it for my own reflection was worth it.

And on that note, I'm going to bed.

Night kids.

Small and insignificant

2008-06-01T21:43:00.003-06:00

Small and insignificant hurtling through space waiting to collide into something to that brings order to the chaos. Rejection has a way of putting life into perspective. Even though the feeling shouldn't exist it does, it doesn't change the way I feel. At least I had a brief moment of happiness. A brief moment where for once the world felt good and right. I'll always have that at least but it isn't helping now. Now I just feel small and insignificant.

In the end this will all fade, and all I'll be left with is the good. I wish things were different though, the timing better, the world was a place that actually makes some sense once in a while. I know that will never happen. I know that things will never make sense in this world. Its a fact of the Universe that must be accepted to even be able to survive. Life is never easy, but I guess that's what makes us who we are. Makes us into the people we grow up to be before we fall into the endless darkness. Darkness seems to be a very comforting place, a place were all confusion leaves and all that is left is nothingness and bliss. Maybe its in that time just before, that this fucked up world actually makes sense. That would explain why no one knows what is ever truly going on. Why we all just seem to run around aimlessly and not make any sense of anything at all.

Someday, life will actually work out the way I think it should. Someday.

Embers

2008-05-28T20:38:00.004-06:00

Circling inside a fire an ember rises to the surface. It wants to leave the confines of this safe place, it wants to break free and see what's on the other side. It knows it can't. It knows if it does, only a quick demise will ensue. It can see the good and the beautiful just on the other side, but it knows that it can never cross over, but that doesn't change the desire. Trying to hide itself from the outside it moves downward, trying to place distance between itself and what it craves, but it isn't working. It keeps coming to the surface to steal quick glances, to wish it could just go for a moment. Doing so makes its desire stronger, harder to resist. It tries to find a way, but can see no path. It decides it must be content with what it has, and enjoy the path that has already been taken. This doesn't change what it desires though, its just a means of self-preservation to deny its escape.

Fires

2008-04-28T21:29:00.004-06:00

I feel the urge to write something but I don't know what. There's been a lot going on lately inside my fragile little mind, but I don't know where to start. I long for things that I can't have, that should be in my power to obtain, yet I don't know how to go about getting it. I've tried several ways and they all seem to end up the same way. Nothing gained. Guess the upside is I haven't lost anything so I should take that into consideration. If I had the stamina and/or willpower to change some things that might be a good place to start, but I don't. I lack any ambition to do anything lately. The good moments I've had have been great, but it never quite feels the way I think it should. I've come to a point in my life where I want more. More from career (if you can call it that), more from myself, and more from life, yet I don't know where to turn to get there. I don't know which path to take, which one will lead to salvation (so to speak), or which one will lead me to ruin. All I feel I can do is sit and watch. I need something to kick me in my ass, to get my fires started.

Work, work and more work!

2008-03-17T21:09:00.003-06:00

So its been a very long while since I posted anything. Life has just gotten out of hand. Work is killing me, too many hours, too much stress. What little free time I have left over I use, probably as most would view it, in a very destructive way. I've gotten too lax in my views in alcohol and have since started consuming more than one person should ever consume. I need to slow down. That is all for now, too tired to think.

The puzzle of lives

2008-01-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

I find it fairly ironic how the pieces of many different lives all seem to slip together into one puzzle. How a conversation between two people can be exactly what a third person is thinking of even if they weren't involved, or how it can relate exactly to another's own personal world. Take for example a conversation that was had between two people today about religion. I was not involved in said conversation nor did I even know about it until about 10 minutes ago. Yet it is a subject that has been on my mind for about a week. Normally I wouldn't even think twice about this, but with the news I received today it seems to be too odd of a coincidence not to at least bring up. While I'm not going to go into detail about the news today as I don't feel this is the place to discuss matters of that sort, I did want to touch on how all us of relate to one another.

Those who know who I am at my core foundation know that I am Agnostic. I don't discriminate against anyone who believes in religion. It's not my place to judge. We live in a free society where we have the right to choose what makes us happy. What I don't understand is why people who do choose to believe in a supreme being find it necessary to "enlighten the heathens" on why we are going to hell. On how our sins will never be forgiven etc. What gives them the right to judge how I live my life? Who granted their power to ultimately know what happens after we blink into oblivion? It's what we do in our lives now that matter. That determine if we will be remembered as a great person or simply be forgotten in the sands of time.

While I haven't spent the time or energy as some I know into learning about this topic I have learned a few things along the way. When I meet someone who believes in something I don't know anything about I try to learn about it. I ask them questions to find out what it is that fulfills their lives so to speak. From my short time on this planet I have chosen the "beliefs" from many different religions that I use to guide my life. It is these things I hold to be my own personal spirituality.

Organized religion as far as I know, from what I read in the news, to the people I talk to ultimately boils down to one thing. Religion is the root of evil. Think about it for a minute. How many lives have been lost since the beginning of recorded history over religion? How many people have been coerced into believing something they don't hold to be true? Name a war that has been fought in the last millennium that didn't have some basis in a religious sect.

Everyone in the world can take a page from the atheists of the world. Learn about your fellow man, learn what makes them happy, teach them what makes you happy and then live in peace and good to one another. I strayed widely from my original idea on this post, but this, in essence, is one I've wanted to do for some time, but never could find the correct starting point.

I leave you with a few of my favorite quotes:

"An Atheist is a person who has thought long and hard about god."
--Jonathon Zuchowski

"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
--Albert Einstein

The Unforgiven

2008-01-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting here for a while. Listening to some music, trying to get some words to come out. They seem to just slip passed me lately. My mind is awash in nothingness. So instead of something new, you get something old. It sums things up quite nicely however.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New blood joins this earth
and quickly he's subdued
through constant pain disgrace
the young boy learns their rules

with time the child draws in
this whipping boy done wrong
deprived of all his thoughts
the young man struggles on and on he's known
a vow unto his own
that never from this day
his will they'll take away

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub thee unforgiven

they dedicate their lives
to running all of his
he tries to please them all
this bitter man he is
throughout his life the same
he's battled constantly
this fight he cannot win
a tired man they see no longer cares
the old man then prepares
to die regretfully
that old man here is me

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub the unforgiven

you labeled me
I'll label you
so I dub the unforgiven

-- The Unforgiven
-- Metallica

Friend or foe?

2008-01-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

A discussion took place last night about friendship. It got me to thinking about somethings. How does one define who is a friend and who is merely an acquaintance? At one point I think there was a much clearer line that could be drawn for the two. Now it seems they seem to blend seamlessly into one another. I'm at a point in my life where I don't want drama, or bullshit. I just want the people I consider my friends to be open and honest with me. Those that I know beyond a doubt are my friends this is not for you. This is for a select few people.

Do you consider me your friend? If so, why? The only time we talk or associate is if I make the contact first. I've tried putting myself out there, to be more open, to discard my fears and grow as a person. I feel our friendship is one sided. I am the one putting forth the effort, I am the one who is trying. If you truly do consider me a friend, why am I always starting every conversation? Why is it just me that asks the questions? Are you just pretending to be my friend to spare my feelings? If so, I'd much rather hear that I am a worthless piece of shit than spending the time, energy, and emotions to make a friendship work that is false. I do not want to be lead on. I do not want to hear lies so you can save face. If I offend you tell me. If I hurt you, tell me. If by me considering you a friend destroys some part of your soul then at least have the common fucking courtesy to tell me you'd rather not talk to me. I will not waste any more of my time on false-friends.

I'm done with this game. Those of you that are my true friends you have nothing to fear. I love you with all my heart, and everyday I'm grateful that I have you. But to those of you who are just in it for themselves, or just because they don't want to hurt a feeling or two, I say this: Become an adult, say what is on your mind, and don't spare anyones feelings if you don't feel like you want to associate with someone. While the pain of your rejection would hurt now, in the long run the pain that you would cause by being deceitful, is nothing in comparison. If you do want a friend out of this, make an effort, show some interest, at least make a small attempt and being a real friend. Even a random text just asking how the day is going is at least something. It at least lets me know that I am your friend, and that I am least in someway important in your life and that you thought about me at least for a moment.

All this really boils down to is this. Until I get some sign from those who I'm considering false friends, I will not initiate contact. I will not be the one to solely invest the time and energy into making a friendship. I am done pretending and the gauntlets are off.

Roller coaster

2007-12-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't feel this way yet I do. I have a mixture of emotions to be more exact. I feel embarrassed, confused, rejected, and a bit upset. I'm not upset due to anyone else but myself. I made a complete ass of myself and I can't stop thinking about it. I read something that wasn't there and because of that I've been knocked down a peg or two. I was really hoping that it was actually going the way I wanted, but it seems to have been only in my mind. While I have misread life before, usually I never act on certain aspects. This time I made a conscious effort to break the normal routines and play a more active role in the world. Because of that I feel rejected. Honestly there was no real rejection, as that would have happened much later, but it doesn't change the feeling.

In my life I've always been known to be a bit vague at best especially when its something I want. I think this comes from the fact that I truly fear rejection. It is one of my deepest fears and no matter how hard I try I can never seem to shake it. This time however I thought I was trying not to be vague, to be different than usual. To be direct, open and just ask a simple question. Somehow I still manged not convey key information. Once I realized my mistake I was mortified. I didn't know what to do, or what to say.

I still feel the way I did, and I don't think will change anytime soon. I still hope that there is a chance, that perhaps I just jumped the gun, but the pessimist in me is screaming; "This is why you shouldn't ever try." Do I regret my attempt? Not at all. This is but one small step in a very long road. A road that I'm actively trying to improve. I've learned from this experience even though it only happened a short while ago. Because of that I don't feel any regret or doubt. I at least know where I stand and I can hold my head up high and say I took the chance, I made the effort, I tried. But for now I still made an ass of myself, and still feel like an idiot. This will fade, but the knowledge will remain and that is what really matters at this point.

--

As a side note, I know I don't tell the people that mean the world to me thank you. So to those of who, and you know who you are; Thank you for your support. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for helping me become a better person. Thank you for just being you and always being willing to lend an ear in a time of need. I love you and I'm grateful that our paths have crossed.

That is all.

And then there was lunch

2007-12-18T18:23:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how such a little thing can completely change your perspective on things. While work sucked today, like it always does, I have to say today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I feel alive for a change, like I can conquer anything. I'd like for this particular sensation to stick around for a while. Its a very welcome change to the normal. What this all boils down to was a really good conversation. Probably one of the best I've had in my life. While nothing of life changing news was exchanged it still was fantastic. I think there might be a chance with my "devious" little plan I've been scheming for a while now. Time will still be the judge of that, but I feel like it is actually moving in a direction I want it to. I feel like I'm actually part of the world, instead of just sitting by and watching things happen. I have to say I'm definitely not used to doing things this way, I think breaking out of my normal routines is what I need to do. Of course this comes after a great weekend which to be honest gave me a huge boost to my ego and self esteem. I think had it not been for that boost, today would not have been as great as it was. I think I probably would have still been left feeling very unclear. It really is amazing how seemingly unrelated things can come together to really change ones perspective on the world.

rambling

2007-12-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

I'm so very tired yet I can't sleep. Again I'm faced with the racing mind. The mind that will not quit. Its the same as it always is. So in lieu of actually sleeping I thought I'd hop on here and ramble some.

My mind slips endlessly into oblivion. Never stopping to consider the consequences. It craves the unknown, yet fears change. It wanders to and fro never quite climaxing to a complete point. At the verge of epiphany a new thought will come in. The endless cycle repeats. So many new things have come into play recently it really is no wonder that this is happening. Even with acknowledging these thoughts and fears they don't quiet down. They seem to fester more and more with each day. I wish it would just stop. I wish there was a way I could figure out how to make it do as I say.

What I don't understand is even when I have a really good days like I did this weekend, I still end up like this at the end of the night. Perhaps I need a little more peace in my life to figure my mind out. Perhaps I need some time of personal reflection and discovery. Would that actually help? Probably not because I'd just find a way to talk myself out of doing it. It always seems to be the way of me. I come up with a great idea to make myself a better person, yet I don't have the ambition or motivation to follow through. I wish I could go to the store and buy some motivation then maybe I'd actually feel like I could accomplish something.

Paths

2007-12-12T18:04:00.002-07:00

A couple is standing at a fork in the road. One partner wants to continue on, the other is undecided. They argue for some time yet a decision eludes them. One knowing the correct road, the other not sure and wanting to stay there for fear of becoming lost. The sun starts to go down and as it does confusion sets in. Now the couple is lost in the dark. There is no way to tell where they came from or where they should go. The sit and discuss, yet an agreement can't be made. One of them looks for signs from the world about which direction to head. The only thing that comes is more confusion. What is found is signs that may appear to be misleading. Because it is dark the signs can not be easily deciphered.

All the time the darkness becomes more pronounced, more oppressive and now both of them admit that they are lost. Neither one now admitting which way is right. Whether they should just go back the way they came, or whether they should wait until dawn and see what the new day may bring. Either path they choose, will be troubled by the night that has surrounded them. An answer will not come while they are in the dark.

They decide to wait until the sun rises before they set out again. They do not know how long they will have to wait. The darkness that they have found themselves is not natural and seems to be lingering far longer that it should. Have they made the right choice to sit and wait? Only time will tell until the light of day comes again and clears the fog.

Too early.

2007-12-12T05:41:00.001-07:00

Stupid phone woke me up and now my mind won't stop working and I can't go back to sleep. I'm going to hate my life later on today. Ok, guess I'll go into work early and get some extra shit done.

Questions...

2007-12-09T01:22:00.000-07:00

Questions float about me yet there are no answers. The more I try to answer the less I feel I know. My mind wanders from one idea to another, yet its always just out of my grasp. I know what I'd like, and I'd like to see that happen. I think I'm ready again. I fear things being much the same as they always are. I honestly feel its something I need and want in my life again. I'm actually starting to crave it again. Even with the things that have happened, and how things always seem to go, I still desire it. I don't dare get too excited because I don't know. There are still too many unknowns. Too many things that are so far out of my control that can ruin what I desire. I don't want to end up going to the light only to find the switch is broken and always has been for quite some time. This is always a fear that has haunted me. Even before this. I always seems to find some shiney new toy only to have it taken away from me. Yes I know I'm acting childish in this regard but it wouldn't be the first time its happened. These questions..... these things will haunt me until I can know. Yet I'm afraid to know if you really want to know. I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of it happening even though I want it. I know things always work out in the long run. It is just not knowing that I can't stand. This is one facet of myself I will never be able to change. Until I know, one way or the other I will obsess about it. Once I know it will be better... but if it goes one way I'll still want to know more, need to know, have to know. If it goes the other then it will stop, and I'm sure I'll bring it up in the mind from time to time, but it will fade.

I hate this torment I put myself in, yet I can't stop it. I can't turn it off. I wish I could. If I was a better person in certain aspects of my life I'm sure I could have already at least answered the initial questions. I didn't, which I'll go over and over why I didn't. It will plague my thoughts for days. These things always seem to have a way to creep into life at the most unexpected times. While I don't wish it had never happened I'd just like to know more. In a way I wish I could see into the future to see this played out. However even if I could would I? Would I trade the experiences and the uncertainty for knowing? I don't think I would. While this to me seems like torture, it will help me in many ways. It will make me a better person either way as long as I can learn from it.

Winds of Change... Part Deux

2007-12-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned some time back things are going to change. While this isn't the change I was talking about in my previous post, it is a change that will help me get to that point eventually. While I'm very excited at the prospect of learning new things, and bettering myself professionally I am very nervous. I know I'm going to get thrown to the wolves so to speak. Its not because I won't know what I'm doing but because I'm going to an area where there is far more work than can be handled currently. I've wanted to do this particular change for quite some time. It will get me to an area that I feel much more comfortable in. Where I feel like I can actually contribute more than I take.

Sleeplessness

2007-12-06T10:14:00.000-07:00

This week has really sucked. I still haven't readjusted to having to be on the work schedule. My body is still fighting me. My body says go to sleep, but the brain wants to stay active. I lie in bed for at least an hour each night trying to force sleep. It's always so fleeting and just out of grasp. I can never quite get there. Last night I felt like I never really feel asleep until my alarm went off and at that point I went into a deep sleep coma and slept through it. I loathe these bouts with semi-insomnia. There is nothing I can do about them. I've tried several techniques but nothing works. Pills do nothing but make the next day worse. I've tried the teas, meditation and relaxation. These work to a very small degree but not enough to actually call effective.

It seems as if as soon as I lay down my mind starts racing. Not with stress or fear, but with ideas and complete random thoughts. I often find myself replaying events in my mind and seeing what I could have done differently. Not because I regret any decisions, but because its interesting to see how things could change if a few words were changed throughout the course of a day. This excercise is completely pointless and serves no purpose but my own desire to control the world that is around me. Perhaps my mind races with this things because on a sub-conscious level I feel that I am failing as a person. Mayhap I am, and I'm sure in some ways I know I could vastly improve. I don't have the drive or the ambition to try and improve myself though. I'm content with who I am and where I am, but I always have that nagging thought in my mind that I could be more, do more, and be better than I currently am.

Perhaps I'll start writing some each night before I try to sleep. See if perhaps that will help calm my mind. It may be just the therapy my mind needs to help alleviate my minor symptoms. The question is though, will I actually do it? Will I spend the time and the energy to better myself or will I forget it about or just push it aside like so many other improvement projects I've started and never bothered to follow through on?

Damn work

2007-12-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

Good hell..... Why does the first day back to work from vacation always suck so bad?

Ahhh....

2007-11-29T02:05:00.001-07:00

Ahhh.... This time off has been just what I needed. I feel so much better about life. I think I may actually be glad to be a human for a change. Its an odd feeling, but it is there. I've been occupying my time with some Hitman. I have to say its quite addicting. The past two nights I've been up till 5am playing it. Stupid crack game. Oh well, at least it keeps me from sitting on the couch and doing nothing but watching TV. Ok, I've been staring at the screen for far too long today. My eyes need a rest. Perhaps I'll go read now.

A time of me

2007-11-18T11:32:00.001-07:00

Finally got some time to just sit back and relax this weekend. It was nice. I actually feel refreshed. While I didn't sit at the house and become a hermit like I thought I would I still feel recharged. No big parties, no massive hangover, no doing something just to be social, just going to a movie, playing some video games and getting food. It was quite nice and just what the body and mind needed.

The coming week will be another whirlwind ride though with the holiday coming. But that's ok. I'm off the week after too, so I will have a chance to recoup again. I badly needed this time off from work. I was feeling burned out. This time away will give me a chance to just be me for a while and not worry about anything.

Is it time to relax yet?

2007-11-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

The weekend is fast approaching and again I have so much going on it won't feel like I ever had any time off. It has been this way for a couple of months now. Just GO! GO! GO! all the time. I'm tired. I think I need a break from my so called "social life". I think next weekend I will take it for myself. Not plan anything, and just relax for a day or two. I need it. Just to catch up on having some me time which I've severely lacked in having in the past little while. I do have two weeks off from work coming up and I'm hoping that will help with the much needed me time. I may go down and visit my mom while I'm off, just to get away for a couple of days. Get away from the crowds, and all the people. While it is a nasty drive to go down there I do enjoy getting away. Its nice to be a different place where it feels like home. Where the speed of life is much slower. Someday when I'm rich I'll have myself a nice piece of land in the mountains that I can go and retreat to and disappear for weeks on end just to get away from everything.

I'm one of those people

2007-10-31T12:47:00.000-06:00

I've officially crossed over. I've succumb to the masses and bought a copy of Guitar Hero. I picked it up last night and stayed up way to lay playing it and got up just to play it some more. Fucking game's addicting as hell. Should provide much drunken entertainment though this weekend as we all laugh at the idiot who's trying to pull of some mad drunken riffs. Here's to some Jager, some Jack and mad drunken Wii.

Winds of change

2007-10-30T10:18:00.001-06:00

The winds of change may be blowing in my direction. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I think it would be a very good thing if it did happen. I think perhaps it would get me out of my current delirium I'm in. While it would still be the same thing in many aspects it would be different enough to satisfy my needs for something new. Knowing my luck though it will get denied somewhere in the chain, but at least its giving me something to look forward to. The anticipation of not knowing is going to kill me while I wait to find out, but that is part of the mystery and excitement.

I loathe them

2007-10-29T22:46:00.000-06:00

Comcast is at it again. What you ask? Trying to kill me of course. If its not one thing its another. This time they decided it would be a good idea to block google. Why? I have no fucking idea. But it was really annoying. Called their dumbass tech support and got no help which is what I expected. I feel its my right and my privilege to call and bitch whenever they fuck shit up. I need to let them know by calling them 80 times a month complaining about how much I loathe their service. It never does any good but add to my stress level, but it is a necessary evil. In closing, if you have comcast call them every time something doesn't work right. Bug the hell out of them. Call them 10 times a day if you have to, to get your point across. Don't let them control you just because of lack of options. Take back the internet!

A civic responsibility

2007-10-23T21:38:00.000-06:00

That time of year is almost upon us. I'm not near as informed as I should be and I don't really care. Even though I know it really means nothing, it doesn't matter, I feel its something we all must do. Too many people in my age bracket feel it is a waste of time and don't even bother. You know what I have to say to that? Fuck you for bitching about the way things work. If you don't stand up and at least try, you have no right to bitch about anything that our government does. I don't want to hear how much you hate this or that. If you didn't get out to vote then shut your fucking pie hole. While I know my vote doesn't mean shit and never will, it does give me the right to bitch about what is going on. With that being said, its time to dust of my voter registration card and try to assimilate as much knowledge as humanly possible in the next 2 weeks so I at least have a vague idea of what the fuck is going on.

It's official

2007-10-17T20:51:00.000-06:00

I did it. I bought myself a shiny new car. Its super sweet. The car I originally wanted was a 2002 Altima 3.5 SE. I went and drove it and I hated the clutch. It was probably the worst clutch I've ever used. The friction point was so small it was damn near impossible to find and actually shift smoothly and it was so stiff I thought my leg was going to fall off after about 20 minutes. Fuck that noise in rush hour. After that I bagged the idea of getting that one and decided I'd go out a dealership in Riverdale and see what they had. As I was driving back from Orem I passed Stockton to Malone and decided.... "Wtf?... I may as well drop in and see what they have, I have nothing better to do." So I looked around at their selection and found my Precious. Its a black 2002 Honda Accord LX. It has decent mileage and is in great shape. Once the weather clears up a bit I'll get a few pics together and put them up and show off my Precious.

Perhaps a new ride?

2007-10-17T07:15:00.001-06:00

I'm at work way to early for my own tastes. But there is a reason. If all goes well I will leave early today and buy myself a new car. Well.... not a new car but one that isn't 10 years old. It all depends on if I get a loan and the car is not a complete pile of shit when I go and test drive it later today. Odds are knowing my luck though that the bank will deny my loan application. Which all in all wouldn't be a terrible thing. Really it would save me a ton of money and I'd just continue to put more and more miles on the Altima of death. Which is ok really, it still runs really good, but is leaking a bit of oil now. I know its only a matter of time though before she blows up completely so I would like to find a replacement long before that happens so I can at least get a few bucks for the car rather than just junking it. Hopefully I'll know more by this afternoon. Time to try and wake my ass up and get back to work.

Nightmare Before Christmas

2007-10-15T23:09:00.000-06:00

The Nightmare Before Christmas 3D is play this Friday at Jordan Commons. I'm planning on going to the 8:20 show so if anyone is interested hit me up and we shall go. It will be glorious. If you don't go, I shall call you a loser and kick you in the shins.

Being smote by the Gaming gods.

2007-10-12T08:40:00.000-06:00

EA is at it again. They are trying to ruin my life. I think they may actually be succeeding. In the most recent bout they have decided it would be a good idea to purchase one of the greatest game development studios. A studio of which I am a faithful fan, loyal follower, and will give them my money willingly because they are known for excellent products. EA is buying Bioware. Why you may ask, I can sum it up from one line from the news article from Boomberg.com: "The company's share (EA) in the genre has ranged from the single digits to low double digits." So EA not being big enough or making enough money or ruining the lives of gamers around the world has decided it has to have its dirty little hands in the RPG market so they can increase their market share.

Bioware is not a company I thought would ever be bullied into selling to an evil empire like EA. They have remained independent, have done their own thing and have been leaders in the industry because of it. Now they will be ruled by a company that is more worried about its bottom line and meeting deadlines than it is about making a good product. EA will ruin everything good that Bioware has come to stand for over the past years.

Here's what I have to say. Fuck EA. Fuck them in their stupid asses. These bastards need to get off their high fucking horses and go the fuck away. They are a plague on video game industry. They ruin everything they touch. They are an evil empire and if they had they're way I'm sure they'd like to take over the world so they could increase their "market share".

I'm back to my moral dilemma again. I love Bioware, I love just about everything they've developed. Neverwinter Nights is still one of my favorite games. The Baulder's Gate series was fantastic. Their upcoming titles look to keep that same tradition alive. But with EA now breathing down their necks they are going to fall into the same rut that every over developer has when they are under the EA umbrella. Meet our deadlines or we will close your studio. Bioware is not a company I can turn my back on. I will not abandon them. I am not pleased with the news, but they have given too much to me over the years to not continue to support them. This may all change when once EA has its claws deep inside and there is no escape.

So, I have to say it again. Fuck EA. You raging cocksuckers. Eat shit and die. I hope you get aids and die a slow and painful death.

Survey of Doom!!!

2007-10-10T22:18:00.000-06:00

1. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I'm way too smart to subject myself to that again.

2. What color are your eyes?
Mostly white.

3. What does your last text say?
where you at hommie? Not that its any of your business?

4. Do you smoke cigarettes?
Only when I breathe in.

5. What is one thing you question?
Why the fuck I decided to start doing this.

6. Do you lead people on?
that would involve having a flock which I am currently lacking.

7. Are you married?
Fuck that noise. refer to question 1

8. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it?
I have but after I while I stopped meaning it. Does that still count?

9. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Does my hand count?

10. Is there anyone that doesn't like you because of something you didn't even do?
Now how the hell would I know that?

11. Do you miss someone?
I do but I don't think I want to tell you who it is.

12. Do you think they miss you too?
Probably hard for them to do so as all there is blackness.

13. Will you ever speak to them again?
Again we speak of the blackness so no.

14. How many letters in their name?
What the fuck kind of question is this? Are you trying to trick me?

15. When is the last time you laughed?
When I saw some dude on break.com break his leg most likely.

17. Did any of your friends go out with your ex?
Nope, but my cousin did fuck one of my exes once.

18. What are you wearing right now?
If I told you that you'd have to picture me nekkid.

19. Are you mad at anyone right now?
Nope, no point in being mad, just ruins my day.

20. How is your hair?
what? how is my hair? Did I just get asked that? What the hell does that even mean?

22. Are you taken for granted?
Only when I get paid.

24. Did you stay friends with your exes?
I have a 66% success ratio in this department. Would be 100% but that would be a bit tricky.

25. Where do you keep your money?
What is this money you speak of?

26. Do you remember the most naughty night of your life?
Define naughty. I'm done some really dumb things in my day so you need to be a bit more specific here.

27. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Well that all depends on if I need to get laid or not.

28. What are your initials?
LK

29. Who/What made you angry today?
refer to question 19. I'm far too lazy to come up with another snappy comeback.

30. Baseball or Football?
They both get paid way too much but at least football is entertaining to watch.

31. Ever gone skinny dipping?
No one needs to see that, not even the fish.

32. Do you love anyone?
IIIIIIIIIIIII don't care about anyone else but meeeee. IIIII, don't care about anyone... or anything... but MEEEEEE!!!!!!! God damn I love me!

33. What are you afraid of?
Spiders, but if any of you fuckers decide its a good idea to play a joke I swear to god I'll kill you in your sleep.

34. What's one thing you've learned this year?
The hottest asian woman I've ever seen in my life live in Australia

35. Do you find yourself loved?
Only when my hand is in the mood.

36. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
Does running nekkid to your room when you hear keys in the front door count?

38. Paramore or Nickelback?
Parawho?

39. What's something that really bugs you?
The stupid dumb ass cocksucker mother fucker that decided it was a good idea to put a god damn ricer fin on his fucking suburban.

40. If you could say one thing to a certain person what would you say?
I'd like to say many things to many people so if I knew who you were talking about I could could actually make a smart ass answer.

The journey to End World.

2007-10-09T21:39:00.000-06:00

After more than a year my journey is complete. My quest to the Dark Tower is over. I feel at peace with the world. I feel as if I've accomplished a great task. I feel fulfilled. I was there through the pain, the sorrow, the despair, the joy and the revelation. For a brief time I was Roland Deschain of Gilead, son of Steven, the line of Eld, the ka-tet of nineteen and ninety-nine. His quest to find the tower was my own.

Experiencing this epic tale was memorizing. Words truly can't describe it. There have been few tales that have been this captivating to me. That have truly made me part of the story and to actually feel every emotion.

I am sad that it has come to an end. For a long time I had my quest to keep me company, to go to when I needed an escape from the world. I will miss my friends, my ka mates if you kennit. But ka is a wheel and I know I will once again lust for the path to the tower and I will join my tet again.

Thankee sai. Long days and pleasant nights.

A Moral Dilemma

2007-10-09T14:55:00.000-06:00

So here's the problem I'm faced with. A while back I posted why EA Games in the Devil. Here is the rant I posted and to which started the ban of EA games. So up to this point it has not been too much of a problem. I have been able to stick to my guns. I have not played, bought, rented, etc., any EA title since the news of their spyware first circulated. I have stayed strong. I have not coveted their games, I have not longed to feel the joy they would bring to my life. I have moved on, grown and become a better person because of it.

However, Hellgate: London is being released later this month and I have been waiting for it for quite some time. For probably close to a year I have wanted to play this game. When I first heard about it there was no publisher. Fine I thought, it is being developed by a studio that has not used EA so I thought I was safe. Turns out I thought wrong. Flagship Studios has decided it would be in their best interest to let EA distribute this game for them. Why they thought this would be a good idea I will never know. Why developers keep flocking to EA to produce their titles is beyond my comprehension. My fragile little mind can not handle it.

I know that EA had very little to do with the development of the game. However, the publisher still has a lot more say so than they should when it comes to what is in the final release of a game. They dictate what features "need" to be removed from a game, what the patch schedule will be, and how the consumer will ultimately end up being screwed out of their hard earned money.

Do I stick to my guns and refuse to play this game, or do I cave in? This is the dilemma I am faced with. My will is strong. I can hold out. I can refuse to play this game. I have enough to play to keep me occupied for quite some time and not bend my will to the evil that is EA. I do want to play it though, I will covet this title and wish I had my hands on it, engrossed in its story, battling the forces of hell as they try to take over earth. If a single game will ever cause my will and hatred of EA to be broken, it will be this one.

I will remain strong....

What if

2007-10-08T09:03:00.000-06:00

I've lost my will to carry on. I no longer care about life's little trivialities. My apathy has reared its ugly head again. It has stormed over me like a tsunami. It stands by my side and holds my hand and I no longer care about anything. I don't want to get up to go to work. I don't want to play any of the 3 games I've started. I don't want to be social. I just want to lie down and sleep. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm too lazy to look for another job to try and fix my predicament. I'm too lazy to get out and try to find other things. I just don't care. No part of me cares at this moment. If I could slip away without being noticed I would, but I know that's not an option. Even still that would take effort and is something I am currently lacking. I know it will pass, it always does, but this case seems to be worse than usual. Maybe its just me not remembering how it feels, but I don't think so. I don't remember a time when I've been this bad about everything. Even writing this is making me think too much, but it is helping.

The world spins around me and I sit and watch. I see the little people going about their daily lives. I see the people that pretend to be happy and I wish I could be one of them. Maybe I will find that fake happiness one day. Maybe it will wash over me but I won't hold my breath. Nothing ever comes this way.

I sit here thinking of the what-ifs and makes my sink further into the hole. I've started thinking a lot about something in my past. A time when I thought I was happy. I don't know what started me thinking about it, but it seems to consume me. I can't get it out of my head. I know that if I would have stayed where I was at the time, and been herded down the path of society I would still be unhappy. Most likely would be worse off than I am now. I know this, yet I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder silently to myself what it would have been like, how things would have ended up and if I'd be the same person I am now.

Area 51

2007-09-28T14:51:00.000-06:00

Going to Area 51 tonight. Planning on getting just stupid drunk on $3 kamikazes. Lord knows I need a few drinks to get rid of the stink of this week. Anyone who wants to come should go, it will be fun until we get kicked out, then it will be hilarious. Ok, back to the hell that is my job. Mmmmm...... sweet booze!

Stupid jobs

2007-09-27T07:51:00.001-06:00

I've decided that I really dislike my job. The drama and the stress are getting to me. I feel like I'm drowning in it. I feel like I should put a bullet in my brain and just end the misery. If I had any ambition whatsoever I'd get off my ass and start looking for something new but I don't. Instead, I'll just sit here and look like I'm working when I'm not and counting the seconds until I leave.

It used to be such a nice neighborhood

2007-09-06T09:13:00.000-06:00

This is what I got to deal with last night. This car wash is about 100-150 yards from my front door. This is the second time that my neighborhood has been in the news. The first time was a guy was running around flashing young girls, this time there are bombs. I so need to move.

Finally got a ride

2007-09-03T18:40:00.000-06:00

Was finally able to go for a ride today. Man was it nice. Was a bit hot, but nothing beats hitting the open road on the bike. I was hoping with my time off this weekend that I'd get to for a couple of short day trips, but getting sick on Thursday put a damper on those plans. Today was the first day all weekend I felt up to riding. Granted I'm still not completely over it, still have the lingering cough and sinus congestion but that's easy enough to deal with when you don't feel like you're going to die. In my sickness to pass the time I've been playing a little Flight Sim 2004. Man I suck. I keep crashing into shit all over the place. My skills have gotten a bit better, but I still need a lot of work on how to actually land properly. Ok, time to start some laundry so I don't go to work nekkid tomorrow. Trust me, no one needs to see that... ever.

unghh

2007-08-30T21:36:00.000-06:00

It's official, I'm sick. Would someone come put me out of my misery? Please?

09/21

2007-08-30T16:24:00.001-06:00

Well.... I know what I'm doing on the 21st.

Back home

2007-08-24T22:52:00.000-06:00

Fuck I hate airports. Everything about them sucks. Stupid people, very large crowds and waiting. I don't do well with waiting. It drives me crazy. So I get to the airport in Toronto and my flight is delayed as soon as I check in. Luckily the check-in guy took pity on me and put me on standby on the earlier flight. Somehow I managed to actually get a standby seat so I could make it to Chicago on-time so I could catch the connecting flight. However, as soon as I get their I find out that flight is also delayed. Again, I love Chicago. Have I mentioned this before, how much I love that city, how it always seems to get better each time I'm there? Luckily though the flight was only delayed by about a half hour so it wasn't too bad, gave me enough time to grab a little food. Both flights were uneventful which is a very good thing. So now I'm home, glad to be back and hopefully can get back into a normal rhythm. Ok, I'm off to find a quick snack then I think I must go to bed. So very sleepy.

Leaving Canada

2007-08-23T18:57:00.000-06:00

I'm all packed and ready to go. I have to say I'm looking forward to being home. Its always good to get away from home and routine to make you miss your normal resemblance of a life. While I've had fun here, it gets old doing everything alone. Most likely the coming weekend will be a whirlwind catching with all the things I left dangling, and catching up with family and friends. Now all I have left in front of me is dealing with the airlines which I know is going to leave me stranded. Maybe I'll get lucky and actually make it to my connecting flight, but I'm not counting on it. Ok, I'm off to get the last few things ready.

Flying Penguin

2007-08-22T19:59:00.000-06:00

I've moved forward with my plan. I have bought a domain name and paid for web hosting to try and sell my prints. The website itself is still under development. Hopefully it will be completed in the next couple of weeks. If things go smoothly (which they never do) I hope to have to done by the end of September. I have added a link to the new site which currently is nothing more than a place holder but hopefully I'll have at least a little bit of something up in the next few days while the site is built. Ok, that is all the updates for now. Keep checking back to see the future progress.

I'm so going to do this

2007-08-21T18:19:00.000-06:00

This has to be the best prank ever!

A plan perhaps?

2007-08-21T16:09:00.000-06:00

I've decided I want to try something new. I really enjoy photography and I think I'd like to test the waters to see if can make any money with it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to quit the day job, but just something on the side, make a few bucks and get my work known. One day I would like to be good enough to open my own gallery. I know that day is way over the horizon but its still a goal to shoot for. I have a few ideas of how to get started, but nothing concrete yet. I've talked to a few friends to get some input and start putting together a professional looking website in which to start conducting a little business. Odds are this venture won't go very far, but I would still like to see if I can get to at least get a couple of feet of the ground. If I do this I need to invest quite a more time and effort into getting more photos. I need to go out more often, need to get better at my craft and hone my skills. I don't have any dates yet for when anything would be near completion, but I do need to sit down and create a rough time line and set some goals so I can actually stay on track. I have a horrible tendency to get sidetracked and put good ideas on the back burner and forget about them. This is one project I need and want to see to completion. If for nothing else than to just say I did it. What's the worst that could happen if it takes off? I end up quitting my crappy job and doing something I love for a living. How bad could that be? I guess time will tell. If anyone has any advice or comments I'd love to have a chat and hear what you think. As I get more involved in the planning I'll post my progress and hopefully get some feedback on the direction things are going.

Was going to...

2007-08-20T19:30:00.000-06:00

I was going to post some thoughts on life today, but the words just won't come out. So instead of getting some insight, you get this. Nothing. Hopefully the words will come soon as I feel I need to get it out. Its been festering for a couple of days now, but every time I try I come up with nothing. I get a million incoherent thoughts that are all jumbled together. Well, I'm going to call it a night and do some reading.

The last couple of days...

2007-08-19T19:04:00.000-06:00

I don't want to go to work in the morning nor do I want to stay here. I think I'm ready to go home. At least I only have another few days then I will be on my way home. I am very much looking forward to it. My flight home takes me through Chicago and I know I'm going to miss my connecting flight. I'm actually quite stressed about it. The flights that I was booked on are with different carriers for each leg. First with United, then with American. With the luck I've had with United in the past the plane will be late to leave, cutting my 2 hour time to clear customs and immigration to next to nothing, plus getting back through security at O'Hare is going to take forever. When I flew out the lines to get through the security checks were insane. Would have easily been 60-90 minutes just standing to wait to get into the concourse. I'm fairly confident that I will be stranded there. Nothing about being in Chicago excites me. I've been there before, and have hated it each time even more than the last.

On another note, I picked up The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah and started reading it. If you haven't read the Dark Tower series by Stephen King you owe it to yourself to pick it up. Its been the most enjoyable read I've had. Every book is brilliant and holds on to you till the very end and then leaves you wanting more. I'm fortunate in that I started the series after all the books had been published and didn't have to wait the many years for it to be complete.

When I was out looking for this book I ended up at a fairly large mall. It takes going to a mall to make one remember quickly how much they suck. Too many people and screaming kids are a quick way to make one's eye twitch. In my wanderings I found a Wal-Mart and I have to say its not much different than the ones at home. Same people, same crowd, same everything.

Did some laundry, and god I hate laundromats. I miss having my own washer and dryer. I loathe sitting there and waiting. Actually I hate waiting in general so being in a hot place with a bunch of other people waiting for the laundry to be done is just another great way to spend a Sunday afternoon. And to make things worse having to sit in the sun and wait for the bus to take me there is a pain in the ass too. Makes one remember very quickly why they have a car and how much we take for granted the conveniences we have.

Oh well, it will all be over soon. Hopefully I'll get to have some time at home before I get shipped out again. And to be honest hopefully it won't come again. I don't think I much care for this whole traveling for work gig. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just for a short time, but 4 weeks is a long time to be away from everyone. Living in a hotel room sucks, eating at the hotel is expensive and being stranded here without a car sucks, so in general it just sucks. While I did get to come here on the company's dime if it was for a shorter duration it wouldn't be so bad.

Finally

2007-08-16T18:53:00.000-06:00

So today was a pretty good day. Made some decent progress on the project I'm working. With the exception I found the worst code I've ever seen in my life. I spent about 3 hours today just trying to clean it up so I could understand what it was doing so I could write it more efficiently. With that 3 hours I spent I only got about half way through it so that should say how bad it is. After work today the VP of the company that I'm working for up here took the team out for dinner and drinks. While most of the people there I don't know very well, it was still good to get out with actual real people and be social rather than being a hermit and sitting in the hotel room. To be honest I almost feel revitalized after it. I think that may be what the mind needed to keep going for another week. While I do enjoy my alone time and require a certain amount of it to keep me sane, I think the last few weeks my balance has been off and that is what has been causing the feelings of dread and doom. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be back to the same ol', but at least for now I feel like it was a good day.

An end perhaps?

2007-08-15T18:24:00.000-06:00

Today seemed to better than the last few. Which really is something of a relief. Other than work stress and realizing that there's not enough time to get done what needs to be done today was a decent day. I think tonight I should just relax and let my mind and body wind down from the events of the last few days. While this sounds like a great plan on paper I doubt it will actually happen. There isn't any reason I shouldn't, I have nothing to do tonight, nowhere to go or even any way to get there but I know I won't, I'll keep myself going right up to the time I should go to bed.

With everything that's been going on I think a drastic change may be in order. I don't know what the change will be or if it will ever happen, but I think something needs to. If I were a rich man or at least had enough money to support myself, that change would include taking a month or two off, doing nothing but revitalizing the mind, body and spirit. I think the majority of the problem lies in the feeling of just being burned out. This whole traveling thing really takes its toll. I know there are people who would disagree, but until you've done it and done it for the amount of time I have in the last few months you can't really say for sure. Maybe all these feelings are just feelings of homesickness, missing "my" things or something like that. Who knows?

When does it end?

2007-08-14T19:07:00.000-06:00

Seriously now. How is it that each day can just get worse? Is it just me? Am I being smote for some unknown reason? If I am, what did I do? So here's the problem with today. I went down to the little cafe deal for lunch today. Since I was having so many problems pulling cash out I've decided I'm just going to use the card and use the little bit I pulled out for the necessities that I can't use the card for. I give the card to the cashier lady she does her thing then comes back and says, its been declined. At this point I'm thinking to myself, what the hell now? Has the strip gone out completely now? Am I now completely stranded without anyway to get money? After work I called the bank again to find out what's going on this time they tell me I have a $500 charge pending. What?!?! I haven't charged shit for that much since I've been here. I find out what its for and she tells me that its been charged by the hotel. How the hell does that work when the company's paying for it. So I go down to the front desk to ask about this and the guy there tells me its a $50 per day (yes you read that right, per day) security deposit. So at this point I'm super pissed and trying to hold my temper which I'm really not doing very well at and start laying into this guy. Had I known this upfront I could have said I wouldn't give them my card at check-in and something else could have been arranged. But nope, they failed to disclose this fact to me and authorized $500 against me that locked all the funds I had in my account and then some. After getting into with this guy he finally agrees to post back $400 to my account and the remaining will be the deposit. My question is this. Why does the hotel need 50 bucks a day as a deposit when they are already getting over $100 a day just to stay in a room with a bed, tv and a couple of lamps? Do they really think I'm going to watch that much porn that would necessitate $50 a day? So in the end everything worked out ok, I still don't necessarily agree with the deposit but at least its freed my money back up so I'm not completely screwed. Maybe tomorrow will better. Please?

A simple life?

2007-08-13T17:36:00.000-06:00

Why can't things ever be simple? Why does life always have to be such a clusterfuck? So far this Monday has been just about as bad as yesterday was. I finally got a hold of the bank to find out what was wrong with my account. Their reply was "We have no idea." Fanfuckingtastic. They did have a few suggestions, that perhaps the magnetic strip was worn and no longer working properly. So I walked 20 minutes to the nearest ATM (oh, I moved hotels today but I'll get to that shortly) and try it there. Same thing, so I try my regular non-debit card, no go, finally decide to try my actual credit card and it worked. So lovely, I need to have my cards reissued and if I do that I won't have access to said cards until I get home. So at least I finally did get some cash out so I'm not quite so stranded now.

So back to the hotel thing, they moved the office I'm in about 20 miles west. One wouldn't think that so bad except to get there from the first hotel was a $44 cab ride. Fucking hell, I didn't want to drop that kind of cash on a simple trip across town. So here I am now, at a hotel that charges 10 bucks a day just to connect to their internet. Why must these places be so damn cheap? Its not like they aren't raping you enough with the god awful rates they charge to sleep in a bed for one night that they couldn't afford to just give you access included. On top of all that there is not a damn thing anywhere around this place. Its a 20 minute walk to a "mall" that at least a decent grocery store so I can pick up a few things, but that sucks ass when you have lug all that shit back. Ok, I'm done bitching for now.

The troubles of Sunday

2007-08-12T15:00:00.000-06:00

I tell you what, today has been one shitty ass day. When I woke up this morning I had no thoughts on how the day would turn out. I figured I'd go check out the Greek Festival that was happening, take a few pics and get something to eat, then come back to the hotel do some laundry then pack my things so I could move to the other hotel. This little plan of mine was soon squashed. Having a mere $9 on me I figured I'd hit the ATM get a little money so I'd have no worries for the day. Well, while trying to pull money out it tells me "DECLINED at the request of your financial institution". WTF?! Why the hell would my bank decline me pulling my money out of my account? Who knows, being Sunday and all I can't call them to find out. And to top things off its 5pm and I finally have an Internet connection again. The damn things been down all day. Oh yes, i did ask the front desk about earlier and they said, its Sunday, not much we can do. you know what you can with your Sunday...? So not only was I stranded at the hotel, I haven't even been able to peruse the pr0n that would have entertained me in my hour of sorrow. So instead of going out and seeing what I can find, I'm stuck at the hotel doing laundry with no cash left over. However on the bright side, while I was doing laundry (would have still been at the festival at this point) it started to rain, at first a little trickle then it really started going. So at least I didn't get stuck out in the rain, but I'm still sitting at the hotel with no money and no food. Pity me.

New photos

2007-08-11T22:03:00.000-06:00

I've posted some new pics on my flikr page from my trip today to Niagara Falls. I was going to write about the trip tonight too, but I'm tired and it can wait until tomorrow when I'm doing my laundry. So in the mean time, enjoy the pics and I will grace you with my thoughts on the area tomorrow.

Moved

2007-08-10T19:24:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'm officially moving my "official" blog to here for ease of updating. Not that I ever really updated that often before but that was because it was a pain in the ass and AlienCC never created a front end for his Zabotage web portal. His code really was well done, but this is easier to use and gives me more flexibility in how I post. As of recently I've been using myspace blogs but I didn't really like the interface there either, or the fact that I was using myspace, so I'm abandoning it and moving here. Hopefully this will work out better and I'll finally get around to posting more.

Nothing

2007-08-08T20:17:00.000-06:00

Lost. Lost in thought, wandering in my own mind, thinking about nothing, about everything. Unable to focus, unable to pick a direction and go. Lost, Wandering, Aimless. Days seem to come and go. No end in sight. One ends, another begins over and over. Restless, can't seem to find my place, my niche so to speak. I wonder if I was on the outside would I like this shell of the person I've become? Would I? I don't know, maybe. Am I really who I say am? Am I just an act to fool the masses? Apathy seems to engulf me. It always has a way of settling in. Making itself feel at home. It has become such a normal feeling I feel like I welcome it anymore. When it does go away I feel lost without. I think too much about what could be, would could be done, great things yet to happen. Soon though my old friend comes back and we settle back into this little slump. This is where its comfortable, where things are known. Always wondering when the next moment of clarity will come, then as soon as it does, wishing it would have stayed away. Lost in my own mind, wondering about things that mean nothing, wondering about nothingness and what that would be like. The thoughts that come are random, always benign, and mostly useless. They serve no purpose, no greater good. They are nothing which is exacly how I feel.

Spuntinni’s

2007-08-05T17:08:00.000-06:00

Normally I'm very frugal when it comes to finding something to eat. Today however I thought I'd splurge a bit and try one of the fancier restaraunts in the area. I went to a place called Spuntinni's on the reccomendation of the hotel desk clerk. I have to say it was one of the best meals I've ever had. I had a veal dish with shi'take mushrooms and Italian mashed potatoes. If I was a rich man I'd go there again and sample their other dishes to see if they are just as good. But since I'm not, I doubt I'll be making a return trip which really is too bad. However if you ever find yourself in Toronto make it a point to go to there and have dinner. You won't regret it.

Exploring

2007-08-04T19:38:00.000-06:00

I went and wandered around the city today. I made it down to the harbor front on Lake Ontario and the CN Tower. After getting a better feel for the city and actually seeing some of its sites, it feels like a better place. It is a very beautiful city. I feel physically exhausted from my travels today though. The CN tower was amazing. The views from there were incredible. It would have been much better had it not involved standing in lines to go up to observation decks for 90+ minutes. I loathe standing in lines. Nothing makes me crankier than standing that close to people I don't know for extended periods of time. While I was at the lower observation deck I decided to grab a quick bite to eat and admire the views. I have to say it was one of the best bowls of french onion soup I've had to date. I managed to take nearly 230 pictures today with my new camera. The more I use this camera the happier I am I bought it. Was worth every penny. If you'd like to check out a sample of the shots I took head over to http://www.flickr.com/photos/kazen/ and don't forget to let me know what you think.

The big "T"

2007-08-01T18:38:00.000-06:00

I've been in Toronto for a few days now. Haven't gotten around the city much except for between work and the hotel which are about a block away from each other. It's nice having a 5 minute commute to work. So far the city seems nice, it stills seems angry and hostile to me, but I'm pretty sure its just being in a new place where I am out of my comfort zone. Even still though I don't care for this city as much as I did Sydney. It's not as clean, the people aren't as friendly and just doesn't have the same ambience. I always joke about moving to Cantanadia, but after being here I don't think it would happen. I did wander around the city a bit today after work. Didn't make it very far, only three or four blocks away from work, but enough to see a bit more of the downtown area. I finally started seeing some good looking chickas there. Before that I was starting to wonder if they even existed up here. At least there are a few floating around. Ok, time for a shower and get ready for bed, get to do it all over again tomorrow

Holy Shit

2007-07-27T17:47:00.000-06:00

For some reason the powers that be at my job have decided to trust me to start travelling around the world. My current trip is taking me to Toronto Canada. I was asked on Thursday if I was able to go and I agreed thinking that they'd give me a week to get things ready and what not. Boy was I wrong. I was told today that I'm leaving on Sunday afternoon. Nothing like 49 hours of advance notice that you're going to be leaving the country for 4 weeks. I guess I shouldn't complain too much considering I don't have to pay for shit. But even still c'mon now, a little notice is nice so I can get some shit squared away first. Anyway, time to start getting ready and figure out if I can get myself fired on this trip. Here's hoping!

Stupid Stickers

2007-03-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm all for stickers on your car that say who are or what you believe in. While I don't always agree with what I see its that persons right to display whatever message they choose as it is my right. However, why in the name of god do people find it necessary to tell me how many god damn kids they have, what their names are and their birth order?! (For those who don't know what I'm talking about its those retarded little stick figure stickers that say Mom, Dad, Jimmy, Angie etc) Who invented this shit? Who thought it was a good idea to go around and advertise what your 2 year old kids name is? Why do we care? Why do you want us to see this. With the amount of psychotic people on the planet that will do just about anything to just about anyone why would want to advertise this? What makes you think that I won't go online with your license plate number, find out where you live, what your last name is and any other pertinent information I need to steal your families identity. While I am not one of these people that think they are entitled to what everyone else has, there are people out there that do. Whose to say this won't happen. Why make yourself an easier target than you already are. To make matters worse I saw this the other day and this particular jackass had personalized license plates with his last name. Just makes you that much easier to hit buddy. God I hate people, they should all die.

I have been smote!

2007-01-06T19:19:00.000-07:00

So get this. As most of you know I'm in the process of buying me a motorcycle. To be more correct I've been in the process for almost a year now, but my credit sucks so I couldn't get a loan to buy one until now. I finally convinced the bank that they should give me money and they actually agreed this time.

I selected a bike, picked the color I want, and set out to find the best possible price in the state. I found a dealer that didn't act like used car salesmen, were actually pretty cool and gave me a super good deal. When I say a super good deal, I'm paying just over 300 bucks over the MSRP out the door, but I'm probably going to add an extended warranty so that will raise the price some, but the actual bike price is awesome. Anyway, I go into the dealer I chose to have the privilege of my business, and say I want to buy this bike in this color. Of course they say, "we can do that!". They go to the computer to find me one. I thought, you know, this is a popular model, its going to be a popular color, there should several of them floating around the state that they can get for me. They checked the entire state of Utah and there isn't even one that is in the state. Then they checked the dealers close to the border. There isn't one to be had there either. In face there isn't a bike for me in 4 states. FOUR STATES!!! How the hell do I always get so lucky? I finally get the money to buy one, and then they don't exist in a 600 mile radius? Just my luck I guess.

So at this point I'm sitting here writing this and hopefully my guy is out looking to find me my bike. He said it could take 3 or 4 weeks at this point to get one because they may have to get it straight from the manufacturer. I guess that works though as I won't have to start making my payments quite as soon, but I still would have liked to bring it home and drool over it until the snow melts.

EA games is the new devil

2006-10-19T19:20:00.000-06:00

If you a gamer like I am then I'm sure you aware of Battlefield 2142 and Need for Speed Carbon which are set to release in the very near future. While I could care less about BF (Battlefield), I am excited to play NFS (Need for Speed). While looking into the release a little further I stumbled across some very disturbing information. Both games are going to be released with mandatory spyware to target dynamic in-game advertisements. This spyware is going to read through your browser history and give you specific products that relate to web sites you have visited. If any other software manufacture included mandatory spyware computer users around the world would be upset. Because the game industry has complete control over what we see and how we see it no one seems to care. I couldn't find anyone complaining about this except for the story I found on slash dot. http://yro.slashdot.org/yro/06/10/17/1319235.shtml The only way that we as consumers can fight this is to refuse to buy and play these games. If the developers and producers see that their sales are suffering because of their decisions they will think twice about installing extra software that maliciously attacks your personal data. As you see on the left hand side the banner for boycott starforce, I am also boycotting Need for Speed Carbon and Battlefield 2142. Don't let the game industry take over. We need to stand together and fight back to get our points across.

What's worse about this is some malicious little hacker is going to reverse engineer these games and find a way to exploit the code that drives these dynamics ads. When this happens, any data on your computer is vulnerable to the world. We already have enough exploits dealing with Microshaft and all of their security bugs. We don't need to install software that will be a giant glowing advertisement to hackers to come and steal our personal data.

Join with me in this boycott. Let our voices be heard that we will not stand for this. We as consumers have the right to decide what we bring in our homes. If a company is going to steal our personal information then we should have no part in supporting them.

The evils of the movie theater

2006-07-28T19:21:00.000-06:00

Why is it that I pay to go see a movie to sit and be bombarded by advertisements? Just recently I went to see a movie in the theater which I was very excited to see. I was not disappointed with the movie but having to sit through 15 minutes of commercials really bothered me. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy the previews for the most part and look forward to watching a few, but watching 6 commercials for smaco-cola is a bit much don't you think? I mean come on you walk in the theater and are bombarded by advertisements. You pay for your tickets and again are staring face to face with yet more advertisements. You sit in the theater waiting for the movie to start and get watch slide-show style ads. After that you get to watch 15 minutes of commercials from everything from shampoo, the "coolest" car in the world and 6 ads for a certain brand of cola that we dare not mention but you all know which one I'm talking about. Who in the hell's bright idea was it to start showing commercials when I've paid my hard earned money to go and watch a movie. Don't you think we have enough advertising now? How many billboards do you pass a day driving to and from work? How many commercials do you see when you get? Well for those of you who are too lazy to look or are just too stupid to figure out how to use google on a type day the average person sees between 400 and 600 ads. If you take into account the normal life expectancy of us mere humans that adds up to over 40,000,000 (yes that's 40 million) ads in our lifetimes. What really gets me is that most of the advertisements are unsolicited. I don't care how great the latest tampon is. I don't care if you feel fresh or not. Why do these bastards think that any of us actually care about this shit? I don't go running around buying shit just because some asshole on the TV said it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Does anybody? Ok, so I got a bit off track but you see my point. With all the advertising that is spent in this country don't you think that's enough? Can't I go to a movie and just watch a movie? I don't want to buy your products, I don't want to support your business, I don't care about you. Just let me watch a God Damn movie in peace you bastards.

Why Office Depot is the spawn of Satan

2006-04-21T19:22:00.000-06:00

First let's start things off with a brief history lesson of what led me to my conclusion that Office Depot is Satan's love child. Several months ago I stumbled across the latest and greatest ergo keyboard from microshaft. As much as I despise their software their input devices are top notch. After reading some reviews and doing some research I decided that I was going to purchase two of these delectable keyboards. But as a poor person I was unable to fork out the $60 bucks a piece for two keyboards so I went on a waiting spree to see if the price would come down or I could scrounge enough cash to buy them. Along comes April 11th and I was linked to a site that has my precious keyboards on sale for $22.02 each. Hallelujah my prayers have been answered. I click on the link soon to discover that the retailer selling the keyboards is Office Depot. Knowing that they've been around for a while I decide now is the time to buy. I quickly scoop a few friends together and place an order for five keyboards to partake in the free shipping offer that they are also advertising.

At this point everything is fine and we are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the much coveted keyboards to arrive. While waiting patiently at this point I check my account and notice that they have posted a delivery date for my order. "Wow, that is fast shipping" I say to fellow orderees. The order was placed on Tuesday morning and set to deliver Thursday. Getting giddy with anticipation Thursday seems to take forever to get there. Finally Thursday arrives and I rush home to see if my order has arrived. Not really expecting it to be there knowing full well that 99% of all deliveries to my house show up after 5 pm. So I decide to watch a movie while I wait. The movie gets over and there was never a knock at my door. Damn. Oh well, it was too good to be true to get them that fast anyway, they will come tomorrow like I was expecting them to in the first place.

I go to work thinking I'm going to get my nifty keyboards. I leave work and have a few errands to run before I can get home to see if they've come yet. After all that is done I get home and they still haven't arrived so I sit and wait and watch the clock. When 5 rolls around I decide to call the 800 number to see what's going on with my order. As always anytime I place a call to an 800 number I always get the Indian who I can't understand a damn word they say, they talk way too much and never get to the point. So during this call I get told that they should have been delivered all ready and they will send my order to the "Research Team" to find out what's going on. Since its late Friday I will get a call Monday morning before 11 am. "Fine" I said and hung up the phone. Monday rolls around and I get a call before 8 am. If I didn't work at the ass crack of dawn I would have been pissed that they called this early, but at least they called like they said they would. So, I explained my situation to the lady of the phone who is very understanding and tells me that the keyboards are on back order and they can cancel my order or re-submit the order and get them sent out after they arrive. I say keep them order and I will wait. I ask her "why does it show as shipped if the item was placed on back order?" I don't receive a straight answer just some garbage about we apologize for the inconvenience blah blah blah. I check my order status shortly after I get off the phone only to find that the sale price had been negated and was being charged full price of $59.95. I called back again and got the response we'll send this to our research tem and they'll call you back. I agree to this and within minutes I get another call and of course they try to deny that fact that I ordered at a sale price until I provide my original order number. She finally agrees and fixes the price.

At this point the frustration level is starting to rise but I am still anticipating the arrival. A few days go by and I check every day to see if my order status has changed knowing that I am just torturing myself. Finally late Tuesday the 19th I check my order and it says shipped once again and a delivery date of Thursday. I go through the same process of waiting at my house for the order to arrive which I'm sure you've guess by now didn't arrive. So I called this morning to see what was going on knowing full well I was going to fed more lines of shit. Again I get the Indian I can't understand and in the midst of their ramblings I find out that the item has now been discontinued. "How can the item be discontinued if you already sold it to me, approved the charge of my credit card and said it was shipped twice?" I ask. The response I get is "I'm sorry but that's what the system is saying." At this point my rage is at full capacity and I demand to speak to a supervisor. This action did nothing for me but cause my hatred to boil to a point it hadn't reached in a very long time. They even had the nerve to tell me when can find you a similar item, give you a discount and send that out for you. Now honestly, do you think I'd accept a substitute for my precious? I tell the supervisor the only think I want is for my order to be delivered like it was promised twice. I again get I'm sorry but we don't have any to ship out and we aren't getting anymore and she again offers to find me a substitute. This time I make it clear, the only thing I want is what I ordered if you can't deliver that then I want my order to be cancelled and I will never do business with you again. She then goes on to say "I'm sorry to hear that we might (MIGHT?) lose you as a customer but we can give you a discount and I'm sorry for the inconvenience." So needless to say I canceled my order and slammed the phone down.

By this time I am so furious I immediately dial a local store and ask for the corporate headquarters number, which they gave to me without any delay. I phoned the corporate office and got transferred to the corporate customer care division and for once I finally get someone I can understand on the phone and explained my situation again. This time the tone of the call was very different, she was helpful, she understood that I was furious and was doing anything and everything to help me rather than giving me canned responses read off a monitor. So now, my order is being shipped from Minnesota via UPS and should arrive the middle of next week. While on the phone I ask "why wasn't I ever notified about these changes to my order when they happened rather than them just showing as shipped?" "We don't have anyone staffed that can place calls to our customers if things like this happen" I'm told. What kind of company doesn't notify its customers if they can't deliver on their promise to deliver my order in a timely fashion? Even an email would have been sufficient. I make sure she logs all my complaints about their incompetent order entry system so hopefully the next poor sap that orders from them won't have to go through all this. I doubt that will happen but I did my part. With the exception of the item being discontinued and them not willing to fulfill and order that was already place without a call to corporate I would not have been nearly as pissed if they would have just given me status updates when I place my order. When I place the original order it should have said "item is on backorder". But it didn't, and led me to believe that everything was fine with my order. When I called to find out that it was backordered had they said it is discontinued and we won't be able to ship it to you, I would have been upset but I would have lived. Instead they show it as shipped and never a word from them.

The moral to all of this is: It's not how you bitch but who you bitch to that will get things done.

New Logo

2005-12-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

My new logo finally arrived. Much thanks to A.J. Infinity for his fine work. I think the new logo more accurately displays me, however it doesn't seem to fit in very well with the overall theme of the page so that will be my next project is to modify the theme to better match the logo. Hopefully it won't take too long to update and get it looking good. Check back later too see the progress.

Neverwinter Nights: Phoenix Project

2005-09-30T19:23:00.000-06:00

In playing Neverwinter Nights for some time now, Necromancer and I have decided to build a custom persistant world that fits our style of play as well as our own story line. This will be a very ambitious project and will take some time to complete. If you know nothing about NWN a persitant world is their equivalent to Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG) but supports less players but allows for full customization by the creator. We are currently working on the story line and preliminary ideas. We are thinking of releasing this world after the release of Neverwinter Nights 2 in the early part of next year. So if you are a computer geek and know scripting, level building, character modeling etc., drop either one of us a line and let us know that you are interested. The official Phoenix Project website is currently under construction so check there often for the latest news.

If you aren't inclined to help us build a new world come join us online. We are currently playing on the Adventure Island (deeper dungeons) server that can be found in the multiplayer area after the game has been launched. Also, we have an official guild at nwn.bioware.com. We are the "Dread Pirates Brigade". Log on to the official site, click on search guilds and type in our guild name. Send us a request and you will be on your way to becoming a pirate.