And now for something completely differerent.

I got bored today and decided to log into this and see what's new. I made a few changes and added the fish. I don't know why but they entertained me.

So long and thanks for the fish!

A song heard

As I was pumping gas this morning at the Maverick on my way into work, there was a song playing over the speakers. Its a song I've heard before, but never paid much attention to it. Its a few years old and is not in a genre I normally listen to. As I was listening to the words, I realized quite quickly that its everything I've been feeling lately. I haven't found a song in a very long time that hits every part of what's been going on in my life.

Lost

I have so much on my mind that I don't even know where to start. I feel lost and alone and that the world is against me. I feel as if I'm being punished for something I've done in the past. I know I'm not perfect, but I can't figure out what I've done to deserve this.

I had a dream the other night. In this dream everything I have been working for, and wanting had come true. I felt as if my life was finally complete and that I was whole. I wanted more than anything for the dream to never end and for it to be reality. The exact memory of the dream is now lost to me, yet I can still recall a vague memory which I long for. The sense of belonging it gave me is now gone and I want it back. I know there is no way I can get it back, I know that the chances of my life working out the way it did in my dreams is so distant I shouldn't even dwell on it, but I can't stop. I can remember how it made me feel, and I want that feeling back. I want to make my dream, my reality.

I'm trying to stay optimistic about things, but I don't know if I can keep it up much longer. The dark places in my mind seem to be overtaking anything good that I can think of. I can feel myself slipping down in a dark place that I don't think I've ever been too before. I've been to the darkness in my mind before, but this one seems worse than the others. It feels more oppressive, thicker and that if I let myself fall I may never come back from it. I feel as if I'm actually losing grip on who I am. It scares me and I don't know what to do to make it stop.

Precarious

I want something I can't have. I can't stop thinking about it. No matter how hard I try its always right there, but yet I don't want it to go away. If it did I think I would feel like I've lost something that I could never get back, and that thought scares me. I feel as if I'm torturing myself. This is no ones fault but my own. I've brought this upon myself. As hard as I tried to not go down this path here I stand anyway. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know how to stop. The more I think about it, the more I covet. I know its wrong, yet that does not change it, it still has me trapped. I don't want to make the same mistakes of the past, I can't do that again. Yet I can't help but think that maybe this time it would be different. Deep down, I know it wouldn't, it would end up exactly the same.

So alone I sit and think, and wonder, and want. For the time being I've kept myself from going down the wrong path. I can see part of the way down it, and it looks so inviting, so tempting, so warm. My desire to put one foot in front of the other is so strong, its hard to stand still and merely just observe. Why do I keep finding myself in places like this? How is it that I seem to keep repeating the same things over and over again? Why for once, can't I have what I want?

Circles

Standing on the sidewalk trying to figure out which direction to go, the man finds himself confronted with several options. The road he is currently on is dimly lit but is comforting. He's walked this road before, knows what to expect and knows everyone along the way. The other road currently has no lights on it, and seems very dark. It fills him with a sense of deja vu. He stops and thinks for a moment and realizes that in fact he has. There was a time when this road was appealing it was filled with wonder and excitement. The last time he took this road it ended abruptly. It ended with much pain, sorrow and remorse. How can it possible for him to be standing at the same crossroads again? How have things come full circle? He studies the roads and determines while it appears the same, it is in fact a new road. While this new road shares many similarities they are in fact quite different. He can't quite put his finger on it, but just knows it to be true. He looks down both roads again thinking quietly to himself, which way should I go?

Angle Dance

I couldn't pass up sharing one of my favorite videos of all time.

Enjoy!

Michael Crichton

I just found out that Michael Crichton has died at age 66. He was by far and wide my favorite author of all time. I always looked forward to his new books and devoted much time to reading his words. His writings always provided a glimpse into the future of new technologies or emerging ideas. His books always made me think about what was really possible in the world. I will miss reading new works from him, but I have the joy of my personal collection and knowing that I can go back and relive his greatness. You will be missed deeply.

No reason

A sudden wave of darkness has settled over me, leaving me feeling alone and frightened. I know there isn't a reason for it yet I can't shake it. I try and will it away yet it rushes back stronger than before. Every time it hits me its like I've never felt it before. It shocks my system, I find it hard to breath, I find it hard to maintain my composure. I don't know what to do to make it go away. I don't know how to stop it from coming back. I try to find a cause, a reason, anything that would explain this, yet the harder I look the darker it becomes.

Roadblock

A roadblock I've placed stands before me. I peek around it looking to see what I've blocked off from myself. Wondering if what lies down that road is as bad as I thought it was. I've spent a great deal of time standing at this intersection lately. It seems as though I can't think of anything else. My mind always seems to come back to this one place. I've torn down several large pieces to see if it what lies beyond is as bad as I've led myself to believe. What I've found there is something I've started to long for. I want to walk down this road. I want to see and feel it. Never had I thought I'd stand at this point and want to walk down this road, yet here I am wanting to experience it first hand.

Its time to say goodbye.

My dear and sweet friend our time has come that we must part ways. You've been there with me through the good times, the bad times and the worst times. I've leaned on you when times were tough, and held you up high when things were going great. I will miss your ways, the satisfaction you give me. Most of all I will miss feeling you going into my lungs. I will miss you my dearest smokes, but it is time we went our separate ways. Its time for me to move on. Its not you, its me, I swear it. You've always been a friend when I needed one, and I could never have asked for anything more. I don't regret my decision to leave you behind, in fact I rejoice in it. I'm done with you. So long and farewell. May our paths never cross again!

Comments

A comment made whether intentional or not can sometimes inspire hope. A few simple words bring forth a guiding light that is unlike anything in the world. I don't dare ask if what I heard was true or if I even heard it correctly. I'm perfectly happy being blissfully unaware in this moment. I feel as if everything is going where it should, will go where I want.

The last few days have been amazing. I feel alive. I feel like I have a purpose again. While I still don't know what tomorrow holds, I hold on to what I have now and it guides me forward. I don't want to let it go. I want to nourish it and let it grow and blossom into something great and beautiful. I know its there, hiding under the surface, waiting to sprout.

The great resolution

So I'm not normally one to make resolutions at New Year's (yes I know its July, just bear with me), but this year I did. I resolved that sometime during this year I would quit smoking. That time has finally come to fruition and I've set a date for the event. August 1st is the current day in question. I've enlisted the help of the Pirate in this time of need and we are going to go down this path together. I know that the two of us doing this together is going to be a bad combo and most people will want to kill us, but its always easier with someone else.

Wish us luck!

Shield

Nothing makes sense. I try to put the pieces back together but they are too small. Its been broken into too many tiny pieces. The only thing I know now is the move forward and pretend I don't care until I actually don't. That day has to come eventually. Eventually I'll be able to look into my mind and it will stop tormenting me. It will stop trying to see what is no longer there.

I've tried to make things better, but I've failed. I just made things worse. Seems to be the story of my life. Nothing ever works out how I invision it in my mind. It always blows up and makes everything worse. The only solution I see is to stop trying, so that's what I'll do. I give up, I'm done. I've rebuilt my walls and they are here to stay. I will shield myself from having this happen again. I can't handle it again.

Words

Harsh word said in the most cold and callous way. They pierce through my body and stab my heart. I stop breathing, my eyes lose focus, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Hurt and shock consume my mind and I can't see anything else. My heart starts pounding in my chest, I can feel the anger rising to the surface. It wants to take over everything. I keep it at bay and read it again. It hurt even more the second time. Still haven't taken a breath. I will myself to take a breath. I try to take it in and make sense of it. I can't grasp why it was said. My mind goes over it again and again and I still can't figure it out. It makes no sense. How can it go from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours? I've done nothing wrong. I've done all that was asked.

My body twitches, my mind races and I can't think of anything else. Its consuming me and I fear it may destroy me.

The world spins...

The world spins with me on it. I'm lost within its grasp. I wish I could be somewhere else and hide from myself. I wish that place existed so it would all go away. The pain, the doubt, the fear. I'm lost and I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I can't see a purpose, a reason, a desire to keep moving forward. I want to sit down and let the world pass me by. I want to disappear into oblivion and be reborn without emotion.

Lost

My thoughts wander from one place to another. I feel adrift in a sea of confusion. I wish things could be different, the timing better, the feelings not to end. I'm happy for what I had, and shall cherish those memories forever, but now its over and I'm alone. I look forward and can't see anything. Nothing is there but darkness. I turn around and see what was there and it tears me apart. I wish I could go back and live every moment again.

Never before have I let someone go when I still loved them. I've always waited until long after it should have ended, and tortured myself because I was afraid of being alone. While I can't compare this to anything else, and while I know it was the right thing to do, it doesn't make it feel any better. I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself. I feel as if the world may collapse at any moment and swallow me whole. I wish it didn't have to end, I wish it could work, I wish I could put things right.

As I sit here writing this I hope for the future. I hope that time will heal the wounds I've caused. I hope that one day it could happen freely, without fear, and without doubt. Never in my life have I met a woman with whom I felt completely comfortable with. Who I could say anything to, share anything with, and love so deeply.

I fear not knowing the future. I'm afraid we'll never have the chance to find out for sure. I'm afraid of losing a friend. I'm afraid of the darkness.

Stupid car

So my precious little baby of a car decided it would be a good idea to start squealing like mad while I was driving today. To figure out was going on I pulled off one of the tires and behold I'm down to the metal on one side on my brakes. Let me tell you how happy this made me. Its amazing how shit like this just sneaks up on you. So instead of shopping for a new BBQ grill like I was planning on I got to spend 170 bucks on new pads and rotors for my car. Stupid car repairs, its not like you get anything cool to show for your money after its spent. Oh well, life goes on.

Light

A light burns brightly up ahead. While I can't see it clearly I take the first step towards it. I can feel the warmth radiating from it even from this great distance. Its comforting and I want to let it wash over me. I want to embrace it, hold it close and never let it go. I take a few more steps, and very slowly I start to see a shape take form. It fills me with hope, and I want to run towards it, to find out what it is, but I must go slow. I have to keep this slow pace, building the anticipation, the excitement, and the wonder of the unknown. My mind races with possibilities wondering what I've found.

Do I dare let myself be taken in by this new wonder?
Do I dare let myself go into the unknown?

The light is burning ever brighter, it calls to me, inviting me in, to feel its warmth and radiance. I'm still a long way from finding the source. I continue to put one foot in front of the other. I let my mind go and it returns with beautiful visions of what lies ahead.

I've let myself go.
I've given myself to the unknown.

Fog

Fog rolls in and shrouds the view. No longer can anything be seen except for what lies directly ahead. Even that is fuzzy and distorted. Looking around trying to find a clue as to what direction to go. All that surrounds is gray. No clues, no hints, no directions, just gray.

Thoughts best left unsaid

I started writing tonight and then decided when I was finished that what I wrote shouldn't be shared with the world. I had some thoughts that I can't publish. Its not because I'm afraid of what I said, but because I'm afraid it would change my world and provide influence where there shouldn't be. I'd like to say that one day I'll decide to bring it to the front, but I don't foresee that day happening. Suffice it to say, at least getting it out and saving it for my own reflection was worth it.

And on that note, I'm going to bed.

Night kids.

Small and insignificant

Small and insignificant hurtling through space waiting to collide into something to that brings order to the chaos. Rejection has a way of putting life into perspective. Even though the feeling shouldn't exist it does, it doesn't change the way I feel. At least I had a brief moment of happiness. A brief moment where for once the world felt good and right. I'll always have that at least but it isn't helping now. Now I just feel small and insignificant.

In the end this will all fade, and all I'll be left with is the good. I wish things were different though, the timing better, the world was a place that actually makes some sense once in a while. I know that will never happen. I know that things will never make sense in this world. Its a fact of the Universe that must be accepted to even be able to survive. Life is never easy, but I guess that's what makes us who we are. Makes us into the people we grow up to be before we fall into the endless darkness. Darkness seems to be a very comforting place, a place were all confusion leaves and all that is left is nothingness and bliss. Maybe its in that time just before, that this fucked up world actually makes sense. That would explain why no one knows what is ever truly going on. Why we all just seem to run around aimlessly and not make any sense of anything at all.

Someday, life will actually work out the way I think it should. Someday.

Embers

Circling inside a fire an ember rises to the surface. It wants to leave the confines of this safe place, it wants to break free and see what's on the other side. It knows it can't. It knows if it does, only a quick demise will ensue. It can see the good and the beautiful just on the other side, but it knows that it can never cross over, but that doesn't change the desire. Trying to hide itself from the outside it moves downward, trying to place distance between itself and what it craves, but it isn't working. It keeps coming to the surface to steal quick glances, to wish it could just go for a moment. Doing so makes its desire stronger, harder to resist. It tries to find a way, but can see no path. It decides it must be content with what it has, and enjoy the path that has already been taken. This doesn't change what it desires though, its just a means of self-preservation to deny its escape.

Fires

I feel the urge to write something but I don't know what. There's been a lot going on lately inside my fragile little mind, but I don't know where to start. I long for things that I can't have, that should be in my power to obtain, yet I don't know how to go about getting it. I've tried several ways and they all seem to end up the same way. Nothing gained. Guess the upside is I haven't lost anything so I should take that into consideration. If I had the stamina and/or willpower to change some things that might be a good place to start, but I don't. I lack any ambition to do anything lately. The good moments I've had have been great, but it never quite feels the way I think it should. I've come to a point in my life where I want more. More from career (if you can call it that), more from myself, and more from life, yet I don't know where to turn to get there. I don't know which path to take, which one will lead to salvation (so to speak), or which one will lead me to ruin. All I feel I can do is sit and watch. I need something to kick me in my ass, to get my fires started.

Work, work and more work!

So its been a very long while since I posted anything. Life has just gotten out of hand. Work is killing me, too many hours, too much stress. What little free time I have left over I use, probably as most would view it, in a very destructive way. I've gotten too lax in my views in alcohol and have since started consuming more than one person should ever consume. I need to slow down. That is all for now, too tired to think.

The puzzle of lives

I find it fairly ironic how the pieces of many different lives all seem to slip together into one puzzle. How a conversation between two people can be exactly what a third person is thinking of even if they weren't involved, or how it can relate exactly to another's own personal world. Take for example a conversation that was had between two people today about religion. I was not involved in said conversation nor did I even know about it until about 10 minutes ago. Yet it is a subject that has been on my mind for about a week. Normally I wouldn't even think twice about this, but with the news I received today it seems to be too odd of a coincidence not to at least bring up. While I'm not going to go into detail about the news today as I don't feel this is the place to discuss matters of that sort, I did want to touch on how all us of relate to one another.

Those who know who I am at my core foundation know that I am Agnostic. I don't discriminate against anyone who believes in religion. It's not my place to judge. We live in a free society where we have the right to choose what makes us happy. What I don't understand is why people who do choose to believe in a supreme being find it necessary to "enlighten the heathens" on why we are going to hell. On how our sins will never be forgiven etc. What gives them the right to judge how I live my life? Who granted their power to ultimately know what happens after we blink into oblivion? It's what we do in our lives now that matter. That determine if we will be remembered as a great person or simply be forgotten in the sands of time.

While I haven't spent the time or energy as some I know into learning about this topic I have learned a few things along the way. When I meet someone who believes in something I don't know anything about I try to learn about it. I ask them questions to find out what it is that fulfills their lives so to speak. From my short time on this planet I have chosen the "beliefs" from many different religions that I use to guide my life. It is these things I hold to be my own personal spirituality.

Organized religion as far as I know, from what I read in the news, to the people I talk to ultimately boils down to one thing. Religion is the root of evil. Think about it for a minute. How many lives have been lost since the beginning of recorded history over religion? How many people have been coerced into believing something they don't hold to be true? Name a war that has been fought in the last millennium that didn't have some basis in a religious sect.

Everyone in the world can take a page from the atheists of the world. Learn about your fellow man, learn what makes them happy, teach them what makes you happy and then live in peace and good to one another. I strayed widely from my original idea on this post, but this, in essence, is one I've wanted to do for some time, but never could find the correct starting point.

I leave you with a few of my favorite quotes:

"An Atheist is a person who has thought long and hard about god."
--Jonathon Zuchowski

"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
--Albert Einstein