And now for something completely differerent.

I got bored today and decided to log into this and see what's new. I made a few changes and added the fish. I don't know why but they entertained me.

So long and thanks for the fish!

A song heard

As I was pumping gas this morning at the Maverick on my way into work, there was a song playing over the speakers. Its a song I've heard before, but never paid much attention to it. Its a few years old and is not in a genre I normally listen to. As I was listening to the words, I realized quite quickly that its everything I've been feeling lately. I haven't found a song in a very long time that hits every part of what's been going on in my life.

Lost

I have so much on my mind that I don't even know where to start. I feel lost and alone and that the world is against me. I feel as if I'm being punished for something I've done in the past. I know I'm not perfect, but I can't figure out what I've done to deserve this.

I had a dream the other night. In this dream everything I have been working for, and wanting had come true. I felt as if my life was finally complete and that I was whole. I wanted more than anything for the dream to never end and for it to be reality. The exact memory of the dream is now lost to me, yet I can still recall a vague memory which I long for. The sense of belonging it gave me is now gone and I want it back. I know there is no way I can get it back, I know that the chances of my life working out the way it did in my dreams is so distant I shouldn't even dwell on it, but I can't stop. I can remember how it made me feel, and I want that feeling back. I want to make my dream, my reality.

I'm trying to stay optimistic about things, but I don't know if I can keep it up much longer. The dark places in my mind seem to be overtaking anything good that I can think of. I can feel myself slipping down in a dark place that I don't think I've ever been too before. I've been to the darkness in my mind before, but this one seems worse than the others. It feels more oppressive, thicker and that if I let myself fall I may never come back from it. I feel as if I'm actually losing grip on who I am. It scares me and I don't know what to do to make it stop.

Precarious

I want something I can't have. I can't stop thinking about it. No matter how hard I try its always right there, but yet I don't want it to go away. If it did I think I would feel like I've lost something that I could never get back, and that thought scares me. I feel as if I'm torturing myself. This is no ones fault but my own. I've brought this upon myself. As hard as I tried to not go down this path here I stand anyway. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know how to stop. The more I think about it, the more I covet. I know its wrong, yet that does not change it, it still has me trapped. I don't want to make the same mistakes of the past, I can't do that again. Yet I can't help but think that maybe this time it would be different. Deep down, I know it wouldn't, it would end up exactly the same.

So alone I sit and think, and wonder, and want. For the time being I've kept myself from going down the wrong path. I can see part of the way down it, and it looks so inviting, so tempting, so warm. My desire to put one foot in front of the other is so strong, its hard to stand still and merely just observe. Why do I keep finding myself in places like this? How is it that I seem to keep repeating the same things over and over again? Why for once, can't I have what I want?

Circles

Standing on the sidewalk trying to figure out which direction to go, the man finds himself confronted with several options. The road he is currently on is dimly lit but is comforting. He's walked this road before, knows what to expect and knows everyone along the way. The other road currently has no lights on it, and seems very dark. It fills him with a sense of deja vu. He stops and thinks for a moment and realizes that in fact he has. There was a time when this road was appealing it was filled with wonder and excitement. The last time he took this road it ended abruptly. It ended with much pain, sorrow and remorse. How can it possible for him to be standing at the same crossroads again? How have things come full circle? He studies the roads and determines while it appears the same, it is in fact a new road. While this new road shares many similarities they are in fact quite different. He can't quite put his finger on it, but just knows it to be true. He looks down both roads again thinking quietly to himself, which way should I go?

Angle Dance

I couldn't pass up sharing one of my favorite videos of all time.

Enjoy!

Michael Crichton

I just found out that Michael Crichton has died at age 66. He was by far and wide my favorite author of all time. I always looked forward to his new books and devoted much time to reading his words. His writings always provided a glimpse into the future of new technologies or emerging ideas. His books always made me think about what was really possible in the world. I will miss reading new works from him, but I have the joy of my personal collection and knowing that I can go back and relive his greatness. You will be missed deeply.

No reason

A sudden wave of darkness has settled over me, leaving me feeling alone and frightened. I know there isn't a reason for it yet I can't shake it. I try and will it away yet it rushes back stronger than before. Every time it hits me its like I've never felt it before. It shocks my system, I find it hard to breath, I find it hard to maintain my composure. I don't know what to do to make it go away. I don't know how to stop it from coming back. I try to find a cause, a reason, anything that would explain this, yet the harder I look the darker it becomes.

Roadblock

A roadblock I've placed stands before me. I peek around it looking to see what I've blocked off from myself. Wondering if what lies down that road is as bad as I thought it was. I've spent a great deal of time standing at this intersection lately. It seems as though I can't think of anything else. My mind always seems to come back to this one place. I've torn down several large pieces to see if it what lies beyond is as bad as I've led myself to believe. What I've found there is something I've started to long for. I want to walk down this road. I want to see and feel it. Never had I thought I'd stand at this point and want to walk down this road, yet here I am wanting to experience it first hand.

Its time to say goodbye.

My dear and sweet friend our time has come that we must part ways. You've been there with me through the good times, the bad times and the worst times. I've leaned on you when times were tough, and held you up high when things were going great. I will miss your ways, the satisfaction you give me. Most of all I will miss feeling you going into my lungs. I will miss you my dearest smokes, but it is time we went our separate ways. Its time for me to move on. Its not you, its me, I swear it. You've always been a friend when I needed one, and I could never have asked for anything more. I don't regret my decision to leave you behind, in fact I rejoice in it. I'm done with you. So long and farewell. May our paths never cross again!

Comments

A comment made whether intentional or not can sometimes inspire hope. A few simple words bring forth a guiding light that is unlike anything in the world. I don't dare ask if what I heard was true or if I even heard it correctly. I'm perfectly happy being blissfully unaware in this moment. I feel as if everything is going where it should, will go where I want.

The last few days have been amazing. I feel alive. I feel like I have a purpose again. While I still don't know what tomorrow holds, I hold on to what I have now and it guides me forward. I don't want to let it go. I want to nourish it and let it grow and blossom into something great and beautiful. I know its there, hiding under the surface, waiting to sprout.

The great resolution

So I'm not normally one to make resolutions at New Year's (yes I know its July, just bear with me), but this year I did. I resolved that sometime during this year I would quit smoking. That time has finally come to fruition and I've set a date for the event. August 1st is the current day in question. I've enlisted the help of the Pirate in this time of need and we are going to go down this path together. I know that the two of us doing this together is going to be a bad combo and most people will want to kill us, but its always easier with someone else.

Wish us luck!

Shield

Nothing makes sense. I try to put the pieces back together but they are too small. Its been broken into too many tiny pieces. The only thing I know now is the move forward and pretend I don't care until I actually don't. That day has to come eventually. Eventually I'll be able to look into my mind and it will stop tormenting me. It will stop trying to see what is no longer there.

I've tried to make things better, but I've failed. I just made things worse. Seems to be the story of my life. Nothing ever works out how I invision it in my mind. It always blows up and makes everything worse. The only solution I see is to stop trying, so that's what I'll do. I give up, I'm done. I've rebuilt my walls and they are here to stay. I will shield myself from having this happen again. I can't handle it again.

Words

Harsh word said in the most cold and callous way. They pierce through my body and stab my heart. I stop breathing, my eyes lose focus, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Hurt and shock consume my mind and I can't see anything else. My heart starts pounding in my chest, I can feel the anger rising to the surface. It wants to take over everything. I keep it at bay and read it again. It hurt even more the second time. Still haven't taken a breath. I will myself to take a breath. I try to take it in and make sense of it. I can't grasp why it was said. My mind goes over it again and again and I still can't figure it out. It makes no sense. How can it go from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours? I've done nothing wrong. I've done all that was asked.

My body twitches, my mind races and I can't think of anything else. Its consuming me and I fear it may destroy me.

The world spins...

The world spins with me on it. I'm lost within its grasp. I wish I could be somewhere else and hide from myself. I wish that place existed so it would all go away. The pain, the doubt, the fear. I'm lost and I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I can't see a purpose, a reason, a desire to keep moving forward. I want to sit down and let the world pass me by. I want to disappear into oblivion and be reborn without emotion.

Lost

My thoughts wander from one place to another. I feel adrift in a sea of confusion. I wish things could be different, the timing better, the feelings not to end. I'm happy for what I had, and shall cherish those memories forever, but now its over and I'm alone. I look forward and can't see anything. Nothing is there but darkness. I turn around and see what was there and it tears me apart. I wish I could go back and live every moment again.

Never before have I let someone go when I still loved them. I've always waited until long after it should have ended, and tortured myself because I was afraid of being alone. While I can't compare this to anything else, and while I know it was the right thing to do, it doesn't make it feel any better. I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself. I feel as if the world may collapse at any moment and swallow me whole. I wish it didn't have to end, I wish it could work, I wish I could put things right.

As I sit here writing this I hope for the future. I hope that time will heal the wounds I've caused. I hope that one day it could happen freely, without fear, and without doubt. Never in my life have I met a woman with whom I felt completely comfortable with. Who I could say anything to, share anything with, and love so deeply.

I fear not knowing the future. I'm afraid we'll never have the chance to find out for sure. I'm afraid of losing a friend. I'm afraid of the darkness.

Stupid car

So my precious little baby of a car decided it would be a good idea to start squealing like mad while I was driving today. To figure out was going on I pulled off one of the tires and behold I'm down to the metal on one side on my brakes. Let me tell you how happy this made me. Its amazing how shit like this just sneaks up on you. So instead of shopping for a new BBQ grill like I was planning on I got to spend 170 bucks on new pads and rotors for my car. Stupid car repairs, its not like you get anything cool to show for your money after its spent. Oh well, life goes on.

Light

A light burns brightly up ahead. While I can't see it clearly I take the first step towards it. I can feel the warmth radiating from it even from this great distance. Its comforting and I want to let it wash over me. I want to embrace it, hold it close and never let it go. I take a few more steps, and very slowly I start to see a shape take form. It fills me with hope, and I want to run towards it, to find out what it is, but I must go slow. I have to keep this slow pace, building the anticipation, the excitement, and the wonder of the unknown. My mind races with possibilities wondering what I've found.

Do I dare let myself be taken in by this new wonder?
Do I dare let myself go into the unknown?

The light is burning ever brighter, it calls to me, inviting me in, to feel its warmth and radiance. I'm still a long way from finding the source. I continue to put one foot in front of the other. I let my mind go and it returns with beautiful visions of what lies ahead.

I've let myself go.
I've given myself to the unknown.

Fog

Fog rolls in and shrouds the view. No longer can anything be seen except for what lies directly ahead. Even that is fuzzy and distorted. Looking around trying to find a clue as to what direction to go. All that surrounds is gray. No clues, no hints, no directions, just gray.

Thoughts best left unsaid

I started writing tonight and then decided when I was finished that what I wrote shouldn't be shared with the world. I had some thoughts that I can't publish. Its not because I'm afraid of what I said, but because I'm afraid it would change my world and provide influence where there shouldn't be. I'd like to say that one day I'll decide to bring it to the front, but I don't foresee that day happening. Suffice it to say, at least getting it out and saving it for my own reflection was worth it.

And on that note, I'm going to bed.

Night kids.