Light

A light burns brightly up ahead. While I can't see it clearly I take the first step towards it. I can feel the warmth radiating from it even from this great distance. Its comforting and I want to let it wash over me. I want to embrace it, hold it close and never let it go. I take a few more steps, and very slowly I start to see a shape take form. It fills me with hope, and I want to run towards it, to find out what it is, but I must go slow. I have to keep this slow pace, building the anticipation, the excitement, and the wonder of the unknown. My mind races with possibilities wondering what I've found.

Do I dare let myself be taken in by this new wonder?
Do I dare let myself go into the unknown?

The light is burning ever brighter, it calls to me, inviting me in, to feel its warmth and radiance. I'm still a long way from finding the source. I continue to put one foot in front of the other. I let my mind go and it returns with beautiful visions of what lies ahead.

I've let myself go.
I've given myself to the unknown.

Fog

Fog rolls in and shrouds the view. No longer can anything be seen except for what lies directly ahead. Even that is fuzzy and distorted. Looking around trying to find a clue as to what direction to go. All that surrounds is gray. No clues, no hints, no directions, just gray.

Thoughts best left unsaid

I started writing tonight and then decided when I was finished that what I wrote shouldn't be shared with the world. I had some thoughts that I can't publish. Its not because I'm afraid of what I said, but because I'm afraid it would change my world and provide influence where there shouldn't be. I'd like to say that one day I'll decide to bring it to the front, but I don't foresee that day happening. Suffice it to say, at least getting it out and saving it for my own reflection was worth it.

And on that note, I'm going to bed.

Night kids.

Small and insignificant

Small and insignificant hurtling through space waiting to collide into something to that brings order to the chaos. Rejection has a way of putting life into perspective. Even though the feeling shouldn't exist it does, it doesn't change the way I feel. At least I had a brief moment of happiness. A brief moment where for once the world felt good and right. I'll always have that at least but it isn't helping now. Now I just feel small and insignificant.

In the end this will all fade, and all I'll be left with is the good. I wish things were different though, the timing better, the world was a place that actually makes some sense once in a while. I know that will never happen. I know that things will never make sense in this world. Its a fact of the Universe that must be accepted to even be able to survive. Life is never easy, but I guess that's what makes us who we are. Makes us into the people we grow up to be before we fall into the endless darkness. Darkness seems to be a very comforting place, a place were all confusion leaves and all that is left is nothingness and bliss. Maybe its in that time just before, that this fucked up world actually makes sense. That would explain why no one knows what is ever truly going on. Why we all just seem to run around aimlessly and not make any sense of anything at all.

Someday, life will actually work out the way I think it should. Someday.

Embers

Circling inside a fire an ember rises to the surface. It wants to leave the confines of this safe place, it wants to break free and see what's on the other side. It knows it can't. It knows if it does, only a quick demise will ensue. It can see the good and the beautiful just on the other side, but it knows that it can never cross over, but that doesn't change the desire. Trying to hide itself from the outside it moves downward, trying to place distance between itself and what it craves, but it isn't working. It keeps coming to the surface to steal quick glances, to wish it could just go for a moment. Doing so makes its desire stronger, harder to resist. It tries to find a way, but can see no path. It decides it must be content with what it has, and enjoy the path that has already been taken. This doesn't change what it desires though, its just a means of self-preservation to deny its escape.

Fires

I feel the urge to write something but I don't know what. There's been a lot going on lately inside my fragile little mind, but I don't know where to start. I long for things that I can't have, that should be in my power to obtain, yet I don't know how to go about getting it. I've tried several ways and they all seem to end up the same way. Nothing gained. Guess the upside is I haven't lost anything so I should take that into consideration. If I had the stamina and/or willpower to change some things that might be a good place to start, but I don't. I lack any ambition to do anything lately. The good moments I've had have been great, but it never quite feels the way I think it should. I've come to a point in my life where I want more. More from career (if you can call it that), more from myself, and more from life, yet I don't know where to turn to get there. I don't know which path to take, which one will lead to salvation (so to speak), or which one will lead me to ruin. All I feel I can do is sit and watch. I need something to kick me in my ass, to get my fires started.

Work, work and more work!

So its been a very long while since I posted anything. Life has just gotten out of hand. Work is killing me, too many hours, too much stress. What little free time I have left over I use, probably as most would view it, in a very destructive way. I've gotten too lax in my views in alcohol and have since started consuming more than one person should ever consume. I need to slow down. That is all for now, too tired to think.

The puzzle of lives

I find it fairly ironic how the pieces of many different lives all seem to slip together into one puzzle. How a conversation between two people can be exactly what a third person is thinking of even if they weren't involved, or how it can relate exactly to another's own personal world. Take for example a conversation that was had between two people today about religion. I was not involved in said conversation nor did I even know about it until about 10 minutes ago. Yet it is a subject that has been on my mind for about a week. Normally I wouldn't even think twice about this, but with the news I received today it seems to be too odd of a coincidence not to at least bring up. While I'm not going to go into detail about the news today as I don't feel this is the place to discuss matters of that sort, I did want to touch on how all us of relate to one another.

Those who know who I am at my core foundation know that I am Agnostic. I don't discriminate against anyone who believes in religion. It's not my place to judge. We live in a free society where we have the right to choose what makes us happy. What I don't understand is why people who do choose to believe in a supreme being find it necessary to "enlighten the heathens" on why we are going to hell. On how our sins will never be forgiven etc. What gives them the right to judge how I live my life? Who granted their power to ultimately know what happens after we blink into oblivion? It's what we do in our lives now that matter. That determine if we will be remembered as a great person or simply be forgotten in the sands of time.

While I haven't spent the time or energy as some I know into learning about this topic I have learned a few things along the way. When I meet someone who believes in something I don't know anything about I try to learn about it. I ask them questions to find out what it is that fulfills their lives so to speak. From my short time on this planet I have chosen the "beliefs" from many different religions that I use to guide my life. It is these things I hold to be my own personal spirituality.

Organized religion as far as I know, from what I read in the news, to the people I talk to ultimately boils down to one thing. Religion is the root of evil. Think about it for a minute. How many lives have been lost since the beginning of recorded history over religion? How many people have been coerced into believing something they don't hold to be true? Name a war that has been fought in the last millennium that didn't have some basis in a religious sect.

Everyone in the world can take a page from the atheists of the world. Learn about your fellow man, learn what makes them happy, teach them what makes you happy and then live in peace and good to one another. I strayed widely from my original idea on this post, but this, in essence, is one I've wanted to do for some time, but never could find the correct starting point.

I leave you with a few of my favorite quotes:

"An Atheist is a person who has thought long and hard about god."
--Jonathon Zuchowski

"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
--Albert Einstein

The Unforgiven

I've been sitting here for a while. Listening to some music, trying to get some words to come out. They seem to just slip passed me lately. My mind is awash in nothingness. So instead of something new, you get something old. It sums things up quite nicely however.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New blood joins this earth
and quickly he's subdued
through constant pain disgrace
the young boy learns their rules

with time the child draws in
this whipping boy done wrong
deprived of all his thoughts
the young man struggles on and on he's known
a vow unto his own
that never from this day
his will they'll take away

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub thee unforgiven

they dedicate their lives
to running all of his
he tries to please them all
this bitter man he is
throughout his life the same
he's battled constantly
this fight he cannot win
a tired man they see no longer cares
the old man then prepares
to die regretfully
that old man here is me

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never be
never see
won't see what might have been

what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub the unforgiven

you labeled me
I'll label you
so I dub the unforgiven

-- The Unforgiven
-- Metallica

Friend or foe?

A discussion took place last night about friendship. It got me to thinking about somethings. How does one define who is a friend and who is merely an acquaintance? At one point I think there was a much clearer line that could be drawn for the two. Now it seems they seem to blend seamlessly into one another. I'm at a point in my life where I don't want drama, or bullshit. I just want the people I consider my friends to be open and honest with me. Those that I know beyond a doubt are my friends this is not for you. This is for a select few people.

Do you consider me your friend? If so, why? The only time we talk or associate is if I make the contact first. I've tried putting myself out there, to be more open, to discard my fears and grow as a person. I feel our friendship is one sided. I am the one putting forth the effort, I am the one who is trying. If you truly do consider me a friend, why am I always starting every conversation? Why is it just me that asks the questions? Are you just pretending to be my friend to spare my feelings? If so, I'd much rather hear that I am a worthless piece of shit than spending the time, energy, and emotions to make a friendship work that is false. I do not want to be lead on. I do not want to hear lies so you can save face. If I offend you tell me. If I hurt you, tell me. If by me considering you a friend destroys some part of your soul then at least have the common fucking courtesy to tell me you'd rather not talk to me. I will not waste any more of my time on false-friends.

I'm done with this game. Those of you that are my true friends you have nothing to fear. I love you with all my heart, and everyday I'm grateful that I have you. But to those of you who are just in it for themselves, or just because they don't want to hurt a feeling or two, I say this: Become an adult, say what is on your mind, and don't spare anyones feelings if you don't feel like you want to associate with someone. While the pain of your rejection would hurt now, in the long run the pain that you would cause by being deceitful, is nothing in comparison. If you do want a friend out of this, make an effort, show some interest, at least make a small attempt and being a real friend. Even a random text just asking how the day is going is at least something. It at least lets me know that I am your friend, and that I am least in someway important in your life and that you thought about me at least for a moment.

All this really boils down to is this. Until I get some sign from those who I'm considering false friends, I will not initiate contact. I will not be the one to solely invest the time and energy into making a friendship. I am done pretending and the gauntlets are off.

Roller coaster

I shouldn't feel this way yet I do. I have a mixture of emotions to be more exact. I feel embarrassed, confused, rejected, and a bit upset. I'm not upset due to anyone else but myself. I made a complete ass of myself and I can't stop thinking about it. I read something that wasn't there and because of that I've been knocked down a peg or two. I was really hoping that it was actually going the way I wanted, but it seems to have been only in my mind. While I have misread life before, usually I never act on certain aspects. This time I made a conscious effort to break the normal routines and play a more active role in the world. Because of that I feel rejected. Honestly there was no real rejection, as that would have happened much later, but it doesn't change the feeling.

In my life I've always been known to be a bit vague at best especially when its something I want. I think this comes from the fact that I truly fear rejection. It is one of my deepest fears and no matter how hard I try I can never seem to shake it. This time however I thought I was trying not to be vague, to be different than usual. To be direct, open and just ask a simple question. Somehow I still manged not convey key information. Once I realized my mistake I was mortified. I didn't know what to do, or what to say.

I still feel the way I did, and I don't think will change anytime soon. I still hope that there is a chance, that perhaps I just jumped the gun, but the pessimist in me is screaming; "This is why you shouldn't ever try." Do I regret my attempt? Not at all. This is but one small step in a very long road. A road that I'm actively trying to improve. I've learned from this experience even though it only happened a short while ago. Because of that I don't feel any regret or doubt. I at least know where I stand and I can hold my head up high and say I took the chance, I made the effort, I tried. But for now I still made an ass of myself, and still feel like an idiot. This will fade, but the knowledge will remain and that is what really matters at this point.

--

As a side note, I know I don't tell the people that mean the world to me thank you. So to those of who, and you know who you are; Thank you for your support. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for helping me become a better person. Thank you for just being you and always being willing to lend an ear in a time of need. I love you and I'm grateful that our paths have crossed.

That is all.

And then there was lunch

Its amazing how such a little thing can completely change your perspective on things. While work sucked today, like it always does, I have to say today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I feel alive for a change, like I can conquer anything. I'd like for this particular sensation to stick around for a while. Its a very welcome change to the normal. What this all boils down to was a really good conversation. Probably one of the best I've had in my life. While nothing of life changing news was exchanged it still was fantastic. I think there might be a chance with my "devious" little plan I've been scheming for a while now. Time will still be the judge of that, but I feel like it is actually moving in a direction I want it to. I feel like I'm actually part of the world, instead of just sitting by and watching things happen. I have to say I'm definitely not used to doing things this way, I think breaking out of my normal routines is what I need to do. Of course this comes after a great weekend which to be honest gave me a huge boost to my ego and self esteem. I think had it not been for that boost, today would not have been as great as it was. I think I probably would have still been left feeling very unclear. It really is amazing how seemingly unrelated things can come together to really change ones perspective on the world.

rambling

I'm so very tired yet I can't sleep. Again I'm faced with the racing mind. The mind that will not quit. Its the same as it always is. So in lieu of actually sleeping I thought I'd hop on here and ramble some.

My mind slips endlessly into oblivion. Never stopping to consider the consequences. It craves the unknown, yet fears change. It wanders to and fro never quite climaxing to a complete point. At the verge of epiphany a new thought will come in. The endless cycle repeats. So many new things have come into play recently it really is no wonder that this is happening. Even with acknowledging these thoughts and fears they don't quiet down. They seem to fester more and more with each day. I wish it would just stop. I wish there was a way I could figure out how to make it do as I say.

What I don't understand is even when I have a really good days like I did this weekend, I still end up like this at the end of the night. Perhaps I need a little more peace in my life to figure my mind out. Perhaps I need some time of personal reflection and discovery. Would that actually help? Probably not because I'd just find a way to talk myself out of doing it. It always seems to be the way of me. I come up with a great idea to make myself a better person, yet I don't have the ambition or motivation to follow through. I wish I could go to the store and buy some motivation then maybe I'd actually feel like I could accomplish something.

Paths

A couple is standing at a fork in the road. One partner wants to continue on, the other is undecided. They argue for some time yet a decision eludes them. One knowing the correct road, the other not sure and wanting to stay there for fear of becoming lost. The sun starts to go down and as it does confusion sets in. Now the couple is lost in the dark. There is no way to tell where they came from or where they should go. The sit and discuss, yet an agreement can't be made. One of them looks for signs from the world about which direction to head. The only thing that comes is more confusion. What is found is signs that may appear to be misleading. Because it is dark the signs can not be easily deciphered.

All the time the darkness becomes more pronounced, more oppressive and now both of them admit that they are lost. Neither one now admitting which way is right. Whether they should just go back the way they came, or whether they should wait until dawn and see what the new day may bring. Either path they choose, will be troubled by the night that has surrounded them. An answer will not come while they are in the dark.

They decide to wait until the sun rises before they set out again. They do not know how long they will have to wait. The darkness that they have found themselves is not natural and seems to be lingering far longer that it should. Have they made the right choice to sit and wait? Only time will tell until the light of day comes again and clears the fog.

Too early.

Stupid phone woke me up and now my mind won't stop working and I can't go back to sleep. I'm going to hate my life later on today. Ok, guess I'll go into work early and get some extra shit done.

Questions...

Questions float about me yet there are no answers. The more I try to answer the less I feel I know. My mind wanders from one idea to another, yet its always just out of my grasp. I know what I'd like, and I'd like to see that happen. I think I'm ready again. I fear things being much the same as they always are. I honestly feel its something I need and want in my life again. I'm actually starting to crave it again. Even with the things that have happened, and how things always seem to go, I still desire it. I don't dare get too excited because I don't know. There are still too many unknowns. Too many things that are so far out of my control that can ruin what I desire. I don't want to end up going to the light only to find the switch is broken and always has been for quite some time. This is always a fear that has haunted me. Even before this. I always seems to find some shiney new toy only to have it taken away from me. Yes I know I'm acting childish in this regard but it wouldn't be the first time its happened. These questions..... these things will haunt me until I can know. Yet I'm afraid to know if you really want to know. I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of it happening even though I want it. I know things always work out in the long run. It is just not knowing that I can't stand. This is one facet of myself I will never be able to change. Until I know, one way or the other I will obsess about it. Once I know it will be better... but if it goes one way I'll still want to know more, need to know, have to know. If it goes the other then it will stop, and I'm sure I'll bring it up in the mind from time to time, but it will fade.

I hate this torment I put myself in, yet I can't stop it. I can't turn it off. I wish I could. If I was a better person in certain aspects of my life I'm sure I could have already at least answered the initial questions. I didn't, which I'll go over and over why I didn't. It will plague my thoughts for days. These things always seem to have a way to creep into life at the most unexpected times. While I don't wish it had never happened I'd just like to know more. In a way I wish I could see into the future to see this played out. However even if I could would I? Would I trade the experiences and the uncertainty for knowing? I don't think I would. While this to me seems like torture, it will help me in many ways. It will make me a better person either way as long as I can learn from it.

Winds of Change... Part Deux

As I mentioned some time back things are going to change. While this isn't the change I was talking about in my previous post, it is a change that will help me get to that point eventually. While I'm very excited at the prospect of learning new things, and bettering myself professionally I am very nervous. I know I'm going to get thrown to the wolves so to speak. Its not because I won't know what I'm doing but because I'm going to an area where there is far more work than can be handled currently. I've wanted to do this particular change for quite some time. It will get me to an area that I feel much more comfortable in. Where I feel like I can actually contribute more than I take.

Sleeplessness

This week has really sucked. I still haven't readjusted to having to be on the work schedule. My body is still fighting me. My body says go to sleep, but the brain wants to stay active. I lie in bed for at least an hour each night trying to force sleep. It's always so fleeting and just out of grasp. I can never quite get there. Last night I felt like I never really feel asleep until my alarm went off and at that point I went into a deep sleep coma and slept through it. I loathe these bouts with semi-insomnia. There is nothing I can do about them. I've tried several techniques but nothing works. Pills do nothing but make the next day worse. I've tried the teas, meditation and relaxation. These work to a very small degree but not enough to actually call effective.

It seems as if as soon as I lay down my mind starts racing. Not with stress or fear, but with ideas and complete random thoughts. I often find myself replaying events in my mind and seeing what I could have done differently. Not because I regret any decisions, but because its interesting to see how things could change if a few words were changed throughout the course of a day. This excercise is completely pointless and serves no purpose but my own desire to control the world that is around me. Perhaps my mind races with this things because on a sub-conscious level I feel that I am failing as a person. Mayhap I am, and I'm sure in some ways I know I could vastly improve. I don't have the drive or the ambition to try and improve myself though. I'm content with who I am and where I am, but I always have that nagging thought in my mind that I could be more, do more, and be better than I currently am.

Perhaps I'll start writing some each night before I try to sleep. See if perhaps that will help calm my mind. It may be just the therapy my mind needs to help alleviate my minor symptoms. The question is though, will I actually do it? Will I spend the time and the energy to better myself or will I forget it about or just push it aside like so many other improvement projects I've started and never bothered to follow through on?

Damn work

Good hell..... Why does the first day back to work from vacation always suck so bad?

Ahhh....

Ahhh.... This time off has been just what I needed. I feel so much better about life. I think I may actually be glad to be a human for a change. Its an odd feeling, but it is there. I've been occupying my time with some Hitman. I have to say its quite addicting. The past two nights I've been up till 5am playing it. Stupid crack game. Oh well, at least it keeps me from sitting on the couch and doing nothing but watching TV. Ok, I've been staring at the screen for far too long today. My eyes need a rest. Perhaps I'll go read now.

A time of me

Finally got some time to just sit back and relax this weekend. It was nice. I actually feel refreshed. While I didn't sit at the house and become a hermit like I thought I would I still feel recharged. No big parties, no massive hangover, no doing something just to be social, just going to a movie, playing some video games and getting food. It was quite nice and just what the body and mind needed.

The coming week will be another whirlwind ride though with the holiday coming. But that's ok. I'm off the week after too, so I will have a chance to recoup again. I badly needed this time off from work. I was feeling burned out. This time away will give me a chance to just be me for a while and not worry about anything.

Is it time to relax yet?

The weekend is fast approaching and again I have so much going on it won't feel like I ever had any time off. It has been this way for a couple of months now. Just GO! GO! GO! all the time. I'm tired. I think I need a break from my so called "social life". I think next weekend I will take it for myself. Not plan anything, and just relax for a day or two. I need it. Just to catch up on having some me time which I've severely lacked in having in the past little while. I do have two weeks off from work coming up and I'm hoping that will help with the much needed me time. I may go down and visit my mom while I'm off, just to get away for a couple of days. Get away from the crowds, and all the people. While it is a nasty drive to go down there I do enjoy getting away. Its nice to be a different place where it feels like home. Where the speed of life is much slower. Someday when I'm rich I'll have myself a nice piece of land in the mountains that I can go and retreat to and disappear for weeks on end just to get away from everything.

I'm one of those people

I've officially crossed over. I've succumb to the masses and bought a copy of Guitar Hero. I picked it up last night and stayed up way to lay playing it and got up just to play it some more. Fucking game's addicting as hell. Should provide much drunken entertainment though this weekend as we all laugh at the idiot who's trying to pull of some mad drunken riffs. Here's to some Jager, some Jack and mad drunken Wii.

Winds of change

The winds of change may be blowing in my direction. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I think it would be a very good thing if it did happen. I think perhaps it would get me out of my current delirium I'm in. While it would still be the same thing in many aspects it would be different enough to satisfy my needs for something new. Knowing my luck though it will get denied somewhere in the chain, but at least its giving me something to look forward to. The anticipation of not knowing is going to kill me while I wait to find out, but that is part of the mystery and excitement.

I loathe them

Comcast is at it again. What you ask? Trying to kill me of course. If its not one thing its another. This time they decided it would be a good idea to block google. Why? I have no fucking idea. But it was really annoying. Called their dumbass tech support and got no help which is what I expected. I feel its my right and my privilege to call and bitch whenever they fuck shit up. I need to let them know by calling them 80 times a month complaining about how much I loathe their service. It never does any good but add to my stress level, but it is a necessary evil. In closing, if you have comcast call them every time something doesn't work right. Bug the hell out of them. Call them 10 times a day if you have to, to get your point across. Don't let them control you just because of lack of options. Take back the internet!