Its time to say goodbye.

My dear and sweet friend our time has come that we must part ways. You've been there with me through the good times, the bad times and the worst times. I've leaned on you when times were tough, and held you up high when things were going great. I will miss your ways, the satisfaction you give me. Most of all I will miss feeling you going into my lungs. I will miss you my dearest smokes, but it is time we went our separate ways. Its time for me to move on. Its not you, its me, I swear it. You've always been a friend when I needed one, and I could never have asked for anything more. I don't regret my decision to leave you behind, in fact I rejoice in it. I'm done with you. So long and farewell. May our paths never cross again!

Comments

A comment made whether intentional or not can sometimes inspire hope. A few simple words bring forth a guiding light that is unlike anything in the world. I don't dare ask if what I heard was true or if I even heard it correctly. I'm perfectly happy being blissfully unaware in this moment. I feel as if everything is going where it should, will go where I want.

The last few days have been amazing. I feel alive. I feel like I have a purpose again. While I still don't know what tomorrow holds, I hold on to what I have now and it guides me forward. I don't want to let it go. I want to nourish it and let it grow and blossom into something great and beautiful. I know its there, hiding under the surface, waiting to sprout.

The great resolution

So I'm not normally one to make resolutions at New Year's (yes I know its July, just bear with me), but this year I did. I resolved that sometime during this year I would quit smoking. That time has finally come to fruition and I've set a date for the event. August 1st is the current day in question. I've enlisted the help of the Pirate in this time of need and we are going to go down this path together. I know that the two of us doing this together is going to be a bad combo and most people will want to kill us, but its always easier with someone else.

Wish us luck!

Shield

Nothing makes sense. I try to put the pieces back together but they are too small. Its been broken into too many tiny pieces. The only thing I know now is the move forward and pretend I don't care until I actually don't. That day has to come eventually. Eventually I'll be able to look into my mind and it will stop tormenting me. It will stop trying to see what is no longer there.

I've tried to make things better, but I've failed. I just made things worse. Seems to be the story of my life. Nothing ever works out how I invision it in my mind. It always blows up and makes everything worse. The only solution I see is to stop trying, so that's what I'll do. I give up, I'm done. I've rebuilt my walls and they are here to stay. I will shield myself from having this happen again. I can't handle it again.

Words

Harsh word said in the most cold and callous way. They pierce through my body and stab my heart. I stop breathing, my eyes lose focus, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Hurt and shock consume my mind and I can't see anything else. My heart starts pounding in my chest, I can feel the anger rising to the surface. It wants to take over everything. I keep it at bay and read it again. It hurt even more the second time. Still haven't taken a breath. I will myself to take a breath. I try to take it in and make sense of it. I can't grasp why it was said. My mind goes over it again and again and I still can't figure it out. It makes no sense. How can it go from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours? I've done nothing wrong. I've done all that was asked.

My body twitches, my mind races and I can't think of anything else. Its consuming me and I fear it may destroy me.

The world spins...

The world spins with me on it. I'm lost within its grasp. I wish I could be somewhere else and hide from myself. I wish that place existed so it would all go away. The pain, the doubt, the fear. I'm lost and I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I can't see a purpose, a reason, a desire to keep moving forward. I want to sit down and let the world pass me by. I want to disappear into oblivion and be reborn without emotion.

Lost

My thoughts wander from one place to another. I feel adrift in a sea of confusion. I wish things could be different, the timing better, the feelings not to end. I'm happy for what I had, and shall cherish those memories forever, but now its over and I'm alone. I look forward and can't see anything. Nothing is there but darkness. I turn around and see what was there and it tears me apart. I wish I could go back and live every moment again.

Never before have I let someone go when I still loved them. I've always waited until long after it should have ended, and tortured myself because I was afraid of being alone. While I can't compare this to anything else, and while I know it was the right thing to do, it doesn't make it feel any better. I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself. I feel as if the world may collapse at any moment and swallow me whole. I wish it didn't have to end, I wish it could work, I wish I could put things right.

As I sit here writing this I hope for the future. I hope that time will heal the wounds I've caused. I hope that one day it could happen freely, without fear, and without doubt. Never in my life have I met a woman with whom I felt completely comfortable with. Who I could say anything to, share anything with, and love so deeply.

I fear not knowing the future. I'm afraid we'll never have the chance to find out for sure. I'm afraid of losing a friend. I'm afraid of the darkness.

Stupid car

So my precious little baby of a car decided it would be a good idea to start squealing like mad while I was driving today. To figure out was going on I pulled off one of the tires and behold I'm down to the metal on one side on my brakes. Let me tell you how happy this made me. Its amazing how shit like this just sneaks up on you. So instead of shopping for a new BBQ grill like I was planning on I got to spend 170 bucks on new pads and rotors for my car. Stupid car repairs, its not like you get anything cool to show for your money after its spent. Oh well, life goes on.