Roller coaster

I shouldn't feel this way yet I do. I have a mixture of emotions to be more exact. I feel embarrassed, confused, rejected, and a bit upset. I'm not upset due to anyone else but myself. I made a complete ass of myself and I can't stop thinking about it. I read something that wasn't there and because of that I've been knocked down a peg or two. I was really hoping that it was actually going the way I wanted, but it seems to have been only in my mind. While I have misread life before, usually I never act on certain aspects. This time I made a conscious effort to break the normal routines and play a more active role in the world. Because of that I feel rejected. Honestly there was no real rejection, as that would have happened much later, but it doesn't change the feeling.

In my life I've always been known to be a bit vague at best especially when its something I want. I think this comes from the fact that I truly fear rejection. It is one of my deepest fears and no matter how hard I try I can never seem to shake it. This time however I thought I was trying not to be vague, to be different than usual. To be direct, open and just ask a simple question. Somehow I still manged not convey key information. Once I realized my mistake I was mortified. I didn't know what to do, or what to say.

I still feel the way I did, and I don't think will change anytime soon. I still hope that there is a chance, that perhaps I just jumped the gun, but the pessimist in me is screaming; "This is why you shouldn't ever try." Do I regret my attempt? Not at all. This is but one small step in a very long road. A road that I'm actively trying to improve. I've learned from this experience even though it only happened a short while ago. Because of that I don't feel any regret or doubt. I at least know where I stand and I can hold my head up high and say I took the chance, I made the effort, I tried. But for now I still made an ass of myself, and still feel like an idiot. This will fade, but the knowledge will remain and that is what really matters at this point.

--

As a side note, I know I don't tell the people that mean the world to me thank you. So to those of who, and you know who you are; Thank you for your support. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for helping me become a better person. Thank you for just being you and always being willing to lend an ear in a time of need. I love you and I'm grateful that our paths have crossed.

That is all.

And then there was lunch

Its amazing how such a little thing can completely change your perspective on things. While work sucked today, like it always does, I have to say today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I feel alive for a change, like I can conquer anything. I'd like for this particular sensation to stick around for a while. Its a very welcome change to the normal. What this all boils down to was a really good conversation. Probably one of the best I've had in my life. While nothing of life changing news was exchanged it still was fantastic. I think there might be a chance with my "devious" little plan I've been scheming for a while now. Time will still be the judge of that, but I feel like it is actually moving in a direction I want it to. I feel like I'm actually part of the world, instead of just sitting by and watching things happen. I have to say I'm definitely not used to doing things this way, I think breaking out of my normal routines is what I need to do. Of course this comes after a great weekend which to be honest gave me a huge boost to my ego and self esteem. I think had it not been for that boost, today would not have been as great as it was. I think I probably would have still been left feeling very unclear. It really is amazing how seemingly unrelated things can come together to really change ones perspective on the world.

rambling

I'm so very tired yet I can't sleep. Again I'm faced with the racing mind. The mind that will not quit. Its the same as it always is. So in lieu of actually sleeping I thought I'd hop on here and ramble some.

My mind slips endlessly into oblivion. Never stopping to consider the consequences. It craves the unknown, yet fears change. It wanders to and fro never quite climaxing to a complete point. At the verge of epiphany a new thought will come in. The endless cycle repeats. So many new things have come into play recently it really is no wonder that this is happening. Even with acknowledging these thoughts and fears they don't quiet down. They seem to fester more and more with each day. I wish it would just stop. I wish there was a way I could figure out how to make it do as I say.

What I don't understand is even when I have a really good days like I did this weekend, I still end up like this at the end of the night. Perhaps I need a little more peace in my life to figure my mind out. Perhaps I need some time of personal reflection and discovery. Would that actually help? Probably not because I'd just find a way to talk myself out of doing it. It always seems to be the way of me. I come up with a great idea to make myself a better person, yet I don't have the ambition or motivation to follow through. I wish I could go to the store and buy some motivation then maybe I'd actually feel like I could accomplish something.

Paths

A couple is standing at a fork in the road. One partner wants to continue on, the other is undecided. They argue for some time yet a decision eludes them. One knowing the correct road, the other not sure and wanting to stay there for fear of becoming lost. The sun starts to go down and as it does confusion sets in. Now the couple is lost in the dark. There is no way to tell where they came from or where they should go. The sit and discuss, yet an agreement can't be made. One of them looks for signs from the world about which direction to head. The only thing that comes is more confusion. What is found is signs that may appear to be misleading. Because it is dark the signs can not be easily deciphered.

All the time the darkness becomes more pronounced, more oppressive and now both of them admit that they are lost. Neither one now admitting which way is right. Whether they should just go back the way they came, or whether they should wait until dawn and see what the new day may bring. Either path they choose, will be troubled by the night that has surrounded them. An answer will not come while they are in the dark.

They decide to wait until the sun rises before they set out again. They do not know how long they will have to wait. The darkness that they have found themselves is not natural and seems to be lingering far longer that it should. Have they made the right choice to sit and wait? Only time will tell until the light of day comes again and clears the fog.

Too early.

Stupid phone woke me up and now my mind won't stop working and I can't go back to sleep. I'm going to hate my life later on today. Ok, guess I'll go into work early and get some extra shit done.

Questions...

Questions float about me yet there are no answers. The more I try to answer the less I feel I know. My mind wanders from one idea to another, yet its always just out of my grasp. I know what I'd like, and I'd like to see that happen. I think I'm ready again. I fear things being much the same as they always are. I honestly feel its something I need and want in my life again. I'm actually starting to crave it again. Even with the things that have happened, and how things always seem to go, I still desire it. I don't dare get too excited because I don't know. There are still too many unknowns. Too many things that are so far out of my control that can ruin what I desire. I don't want to end up going to the light only to find the switch is broken and always has been for quite some time. This is always a fear that has haunted me. Even before this. I always seems to find some shiney new toy only to have it taken away from me. Yes I know I'm acting childish in this regard but it wouldn't be the first time its happened. These questions..... these things will haunt me until I can know. Yet I'm afraid to know if you really want to know. I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of it happening even though I want it. I know things always work out in the long run. It is just not knowing that I can't stand. This is one facet of myself I will never be able to change. Until I know, one way or the other I will obsess about it. Once I know it will be better... but if it goes one way I'll still want to know more, need to know, have to know. If it goes the other then it will stop, and I'm sure I'll bring it up in the mind from time to time, but it will fade.

I hate this torment I put myself in, yet I can't stop it. I can't turn it off. I wish I could. If I was a better person in certain aspects of my life I'm sure I could have already at least answered the initial questions. I didn't, which I'll go over and over why I didn't. It will plague my thoughts for days. These things always seem to have a way to creep into life at the most unexpected times. While I don't wish it had never happened I'd just like to know more. In a way I wish I could see into the future to see this played out. However even if I could would I? Would I trade the experiences and the uncertainty for knowing? I don't think I would. While this to me seems like torture, it will help me in many ways. It will make me a better person either way as long as I can learn from it.

Winds of Change... Part Deux

As I mentioned some time back things are going to change. While this isn't the change I was talking about in my previous post, it is a change that will help me get to that point eventually. While I'm very excited at the prospect of learning new things, and bettering myself professionally I am very nervous. I know I'm going to get thrown to the wolves so to speak. Its not because I won't know what I'm doing but because I'm going to an area where there is far more work than can be handled currently. I've wanted to do this particular change for quite some time. It will get me to an area that I feel much more comfortable in. Where I feel like I can actually contribute more than I take.

Sleeplessness

This week has really sucked. I still haven't readjusted to having to be on the work schedule. My body is still fighting me. My body says go to sleep, but the brain wants to stay active. I lie in bed for at least an hour each night trying to force sleep. It's always so fleeting and just out of grasp. I can never quite get there. Last night I felt like I never really feel asleep until my alarm went off and at that point I went into a deep sleep coma and slept through it. I loathe these bouts with semi-insomnia. There is nothing I can do about them. I've tried several techniques but nothing works. Pills do nothing but make the next day worse. I've tried the teas, meditation and relaxation. These work to a very small degree but not enough to actually call effective.

It seems as if as soon as I lay down my mind starts racing. Not with stress or fear, but with ideas and complete random thoughts. I often find myself replaying events in my mind and seeing what I could have done differently. Not because I regret any decisions, but because its interesting to see how things could change if a few words were changed throughout the course of a day. This excercise is completely pointless and serves no purpose but my own desire to control the world that is around me. Perhaps my mind races with this things because on a sub-conscious level I feel that I am failing as a person. Mayhap I am, and I'm sure in some ways I know I could vastly improve. I don't have the drive or the ambition to try and improve myself though. I'm content with who I am and where I am, but I always have that nagging thought in my mind that I could be more, do more, and be better than I currently am.

Perhaps I'll start writing some each night before I try to sleep. See if perhaps that will help calm my mind. It may be just the therapy my mind needs to help alleviate my minor symptoms. The question is though, will I actually do it? Will I spend the time and the energy to better myself or will I forget it about or just push it aside like so many other improvement projects I've started and never bothered to follow through on?

Damn work

Good hell..... Why does the first day back to work from vacation always suck so bad?