A song heard

As I was pumping gas this morning at the Maverick on my way into work, there was a song playing over the speakers. Its a song I've heard before, but never paid much attention to it. Its a few years old and is not in a genre I normally listen to. As I was listening to the words, I realized quite quickly that its everything I've been feeling lately. I haven't found a song in a very long time that hits every part of what's been going on in my life.

Lost

I have so much on my mind that I don't even know where to start. I feel lost and alone and that the world is against me. I feel as if I'm being punished for something I've done in the past. I know I'm not perfect, but I can't figure out what I've done to deserve this.

I had a dream the other night. In this dream everything I have been working for, and wanting had come true. I felt as if my life was finally complete and that I was whole. I wanted more than anything for the dream to never end and for it to be reality. The exact memory of the dream is now lost to me, yet I can still recall a vague memory which I long for. The sense of belonging it gave me is now gone and I want it back. I know there is no way I can get it back, I know that the chances of my life working out the way it did in my dreams is so distant I shouldn't even dwell on it, but I can't stop. I can remember how it made me feel, and I want that feeling back. I want to make my dream, my reality.

I'm trying to stay optimistic about things, but I don't know if I can keep it up much longer. The dark places in my mind seem to be overtaking anything good that I can think of. I can feel myself slipping down in a dark place that I don't think I've ever been too before. I've been to the darkness in my mind before, but this one seems worse than the others. It feels more oppressive, thicker and that if I let myself fall I may never come back from it. I feel as if I'm actually losing grip on who I am. It scares me and I don't know what to do to make it stop.

Precarious

I want something I can't have. I can't stop thinking about it. No matter how hard I try its always right there, but yet I don't want it to go away. If it did I think I would feel like I've lost something that I could never get back, and that thought scares me. I feel as if I'm torturing myself. This is no ones fault but my own. I've brought this upon myself. As hard as I tried to not go down this path here I stand anyway. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know how to stop. The more I think about it, the more I covet. I know its wrong, yet that does not change it, it still has me trapped. I don't want to make the same mistakes of the past, I can't do that again. Yet I can't help but think that maybe this time it would be different. Deep down, I know it wouldn't, it would end up exactly the same.

So alone I sit and think, and wonder, and want. For the time being I've kept myself from going down the wrong path. I can see part of the way down it, and it looks so inviting, so tempting, so warm. My desire to put one foot in front of the other is so strong, its hard to stand still and merely just observe. Why do I keep finding myself in places like this? How is it that I seem to keep repeating the same things over and over again? Why for once, can't I have what I want?

Circles

Standing on the sidewalk trying to figure out which direction to go, the man finds himself confronted with several options. The road he is currently on is dimly lit but is comforting. He's walked this road before, knows what to expect and knows everyone along the way. The other road currently has no lights on it, and seems very dark. It fills him with a sense of deja vu. He stops and thinks for a moment and realizes that in fact he has. There was a time when this road was appealing it was filled with wonder and excitement. The last time he took this road it ended abruptly. It ended with much pain, sorrow and remorse. How can it possible for him to be standing at the same crossroads again? How have things come full circle? He studies the roads and determines while it appears the same, it is in fact a new road. While this new road shares many similarities they are in fact quite different. He can't quite put his finger on it, but just knows it to be true. He looks down both roads again thinking quietly to himself, which way should I go?