Roller coaster

I shouldn't feel this way yet I do. I have a mixture of emotions to be more exact. I feel embarrassed, confused, rejected, and a bit upset. I'm not upset due to anyone else but myself. I made a complete ass of myself and I can't stop thinking about it. I read something that wasn't there and because of that I've been knocked down a peg or two. I was really hoping that it was actually going the way I wanted, but it seems to have been only in my mind. While I have misread life before, usually I never act on certain aspects. This time I made a conscious effort to break the normal routines and play a more active role in the world. Because of that I feel rejected. Honestly there was no real rejection, as that would have happened much later, but it doesn't change the feeling.

In my life I've always been known to be a bit vague at best especially when its something I want. I think this comes from the fact that I truly fear rejection. It is one of my deepest fears and no matter how hard I try I can never seem to shake it. This time however I thought I was trying not to be vague, to be different than usual. To be direct, open and just ask a simple question. Somehow I still manged not convey key information. Once I realized my mistake I was mortified. I didn't know what to do, or what to say.

I still feel the way I did, and I don't think will change anytime soon. I still hope that there is a chance, that perhaps I just jumped the gun, but the pessimist in me is screaming; "This is why you shouldn't ever try." Do I regret my attempt? Not at all. This is but one small step in a very long road. A road that I'm actively trying to improve. I've learned from this experience even though it only happened a short while ago. Because of that I don't feel any regret or doubt. I at least know where I stand and I can hold my head up high and say I took the chance, I made the effort, I tried. But for now I still made an ass of myself, and still feel like an idiot. This will fade, but the knowledge will remain and that is what really matters at this point.

--

As a side note, I know I don't tell the people that mean the world to me thank you. So to those of who, and you know who you are; Thank you for your support. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for helping me become a better person. Thank you for just being you and always being willing to lend an ear in a time of need. I love you and I'm grateful that our paths have crossed.

That is all.

And then there was lunch

Its amazing how such a little thing can completely change your perspective on things. While work sucked today, like it always does, I have to say today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I feel alive for a change, like I can conquer anything. I'd like for this particular sensation to stick around for a while. Its a very welcome change to the normal. What this all boils down to was a really good conversation. Probably one of the best I've had in my life. While nothing of life changing news was exchanged it still was fantastic. I think there might be a chance with my "devious" little plan I've been scheming for a while now. Time will still be the judge of that, but I feel like it is actually moving in a direction I want it to. I feel like I'm actually part of the world, instead of just sitting by and watching things happen. I have to say I'm definitely not used to doing things this way, I think breaking out of my normal routines is what I need to do. Of course this comes after a great weekend which to be honest gave me a huge boost to my ego and self esteem. I think had it not been for that boost, today would not have been as great as it was. I think I probably would have still been left feeling very unclear. It really is amazing how seemingly unrelated things can come together to really change ones perspective on the world.

rambling

I'm so very tired yet I can't sleep. Again I'm faced with the racing mind. The mind that will not quit. Its the same as it always is. So in lieu of actually sleeping I thought I'd hop on here and ramble some.

My mind slips endlessly into oblivion. Never stopping to consider the consequences. It craves the unknown, yet fears change. It wanders to and fro never quite climaxing to a complete point. At the verge of epiphany a new thought will come in. The endless cycle repeats. So many new things have come into play recently it really is no wonder that this is happening. Even with acknowledging these thoughts and fears they don't quiet down. They seem to fester more and more with each day. I wish it would just stop. I wish there was a way I could figure out how to make it do as I say.

What I don't understand is even when I have a really good days like I did this weekend, I still end up like this at the end of the night. Perhaps I need a little more peace in my life to figure my mind out. Perhaps I need some time of personal reflection and discovery. Would that actually help? Probably not because I'd just find a way to talk myself out of doing it. It always seems to be the way of me. I come up with a great idea to make myself a better person, yet I don't have the ambition or motivation to follow through. I wish I could go to the store and buy some motivation then maybe I'd actually feel like I could accomplish something.

Paths

A couple is standing at a fork in the road. One partner wants to continue on, the other is undecided. They argue for some time yet a decision eludes them. One knowing the correct road, the other not sure and wanting to stay there for fear of becoming lost. The sun starts to go down and as it does confusion sets in. Now the couple is lost in the dark. There is no way to tell where they came from or where they should go. The sit and discuss, yet an agreement can't be made. One of them looks for signs from the world about which direction to head. The only thing that comes is more confusion. What is found is signs that may appear to be misleading. Because it is dark the signs can not be easily deciphered.

All the time the darkness becomes more pronounced, more oppressive and now both of them admit that they are lost. Neither one now admitting which way is right. Whether they should just go back the way they came, or whether they should wait until dawn and see what the new day may bring. Either path they choose, will be troubled by the night that has surrounded them. An answer will not come while they are in the dark.

They decide to wait until the sun rises before they set out again. They do not know how long they will have to wait. The darkness that they have found themselves is not natural and seems to be lingering far longer that it should. Have they made the right choice to sit and wait? Only time will tell until the light of day comes again and clears the fog.

Too early.

Stupid phone woke me up and now my mind won't stop working and I can't go back to sleep. I'm going to hate my life later on today. Ok, guess I'll go into work early and get some extra shit done.

Questions...

Questions float about me yet there are no answers. The more I try to answer the less I feel I know. My mind wanders from one idea to another, yet its always just out of my grasp. I know what I'd like, and I'd like to see that happen. I think I'm ready again. I fear things being much the same as they always are. I honestly feel its something I need and want in my life again. I'm actually starting to crave it again. Even with the things that have happened, and how things always seem to go, I still desire it. I don't dare get too excited because I don't know. There are still too many unknowns. Too many things that are so far out of my control that can ruin what I desire. I don't want to end up going to the light only to find the switch is broken and always has been for quite some time. This is always a fear that has haunted me. Even before this. I always seems to find some shiney new toy only to have it taken away from me. Yes I know I'm acting childish in this regard but it wouldn't be the first time its happened. These questions..... these things will haunt me until I can know. Yet I'm afraid to know if you really want to know. I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of it happening even though I want it. I know things always work out in the long run. It is just not knowing that I can't stand. This is one facet of myself I will never be able to change. Until I know, one way or the other I will obsess about it. Once I know it will be better... but if it goes one way I'll still want to know more, need to know, have to know. If it goes the other then it will stop, and I'm sure I'll bring it up in the mind from time to time, but it will fade.

I hate this torment I put myself in, yet I can't stop it. I can't turn it off. I wish I could. If I was a better person in certain aspects of my life I'm sure I could have already at least answered the initial questions. I didn't, which I'll go over and over why I didn't. It will plague my thoughts for days. These things always seem to have a way to creep into life at the most unexpected times. While I don't wish it had never happened I'd just like to know more. In a way I wish I could see into the future to see this played out. However even if I could would I? Would I trade the experiences and the uncertainty for knowing? I don't think I would. While this to me seems like torture, it will help me in many ways. It will make me a better person either way as long as I can learn from it.

Winds of Change... Part Deux

As I mentioned some time back things are going to change. While this isn't the change I was talking about in my previous post, it is a change that will help me get to that point eventually. While I'm very excited at the prospect of learning new things, and bettering myself professionally I am very nervous. I know I'm going to get thrown to the wolves so to speak. Its not because I won't know what I'm doing but because I'm going to an area where there is far more work than can be handled currently. I've wanted to do this particular change for quite some time. It will get me to an area that I feel much more comfortable in. Where I feel like I can actually contribute more than I take.

Sleeplessness

This week has really sucked. I still haven't readjusted to having to be on the work schedule. My body is still fighting me. My body says go to sleep, but the brain wants to stay active. I lie in bed for at least an hour each night trying to force sleep. It's always so fleeting and just out of grasp. I can never quite get there. Last night I felt like I never really feel asleep until my alarm went off and at that point I went into a deep sleep coma and slept through it. I loathe these bouts with semi-insomnia. There is nothing I can do about them. I've tried several techniques but nothing works. Pills do nothing but make the next day worse. I've tried the teas, meditation and relaxation. These work to a very small degree but not enough to actually call effective.

It seems as if as soon as I lay down my mind starts racing. Not with stress or fear, but with ideas and complete random thoughts. I often find myself replaying events in my mind and seeing what I could have done differently. Not because I regret any decisions, but because its interesting to see how things could change if a few words were changed throughout the course of a day. This excercise is completely pointless and serves no purpose but my own desire to control the world that is around me. Perhaps my mind races with this things because on a sub-conscious level I feel that I am failing as a person. Mayhap I am, and I'm sure in some ways I know I could vastly improve. I don't have the drive or the ambition to try and improve myself though. I'm content with who I am and where I am, but I always have that nagging thought in my mind that I could be more, do more, and be better than I currently am.

Perhaps I'll start writing some each night before I try to sleep. See if perhaps that will help calm my mind. It may be just the therapy my mind needs to help alleviate my minor symptoms. The question is though, will I actually do it? Will I spend the time and the energy to better myself or will I forget it about or just push it aside like so many other improvement projects I've started and never bothered to follow through on?

Damn work

Good hell..... Why does the first day back to work from vacation always suck so bad?

Ahhh....

Ahhh.... This time off has been just what I needed. I feel so much better about life. I think I may actually be glad to be a human for a change. Its an odd feeling, but it is there. I've been occupying my time with some Hitman. I have to say its quite addicting. The past two nights I've been up till 5am playing it. Stupid crack game. Oh well, at least it keeps me from sitting on the couch and doing nothing but watching TV. Ok, I've been staring at the screen for far too long today. My eyes need a rest. Perhaps I'll go read now.

A time of me

Finally got some time to just sit back and relax this weekend. It was nice. I actually feel refreshed. While I didn't sit at the house and become a hermit like I thought I would I still feel recharged. No big parties, no massive hangover, no doing something just to be social, just going to a movie, playing some video games and getting food. It was quite nice and just what the body and mind needed.

The coming week will be another whirlwind ride though with the holiday coming. But that's ok. I'm off the week after too, so I will have a chance to recoup again. I badly needed this time off from work. I was feeling burned out. This time away will give me a chance to just be me for a while and not worry about anything.

Is it time to relax yet?

The weekend is fast approaching and again I have so much going on it won't feel like I ever had any time off. It has been this way for a couple of months now. Just GO! GO! GO! all the time. I'm tired. I think I need a break from my so called "social life". I think next weekend I will take it for myself. Not plan anything, and just relax for a day or two. I need it. Just to catch up on having some me time which I've severely lacked in having in the past little while. I do have two weeks off from work coming up and I'm hoping that will help with the much needed me time. I may go down and visit my mom while I'm off, just to get away for a couple of days. Get away from the crowds, and all the people. While it is a nasty drive to go down there I do enjoy getting away. Its nice to be a different place where it feels like home. Where the speed of life is much slower. Someday when I'm rich I'll have myself a nice piece of land in the mountains that I can go and retreat to and disappear for weeks on end just to get away from everything.

I'm one of those people

I've officially crossed over. I've succumb to the masses and bought a copy of Guitar Hero. I picked it up last night and stayed up way to lay playing it and got up just to play it some more. Fucking game's addicting as hell. Should provide much drunken entertainment though this weekend as we all laugh at the idiot who's trying to pull of some mad drunken riffs. Here's to some Jager, some Jack and mad drunken Wii.

Winds of change

The winds of change may be blowing in my direction. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I think it would be a very good thing if it did happen. I think perhaps it would get me out of my current delirium I'm in. While it would still be the same thing in many aspects it would be different enough to satisfy my needs for something new. Knowing my luck though it will get denied somewhere in the chain, but at least its giving me something to look forward to. The anticipation of not knowing is going to kill me while I wait to find out, but that is part of the mystery and excitement.

I loathe them

Comcast is at it again. What you ask? Trying to kill me of course. If its not one thing its another. This time they decided it would be a good idea to block google. Why? I have no fucking idea. But it was really annoying. Called their dumbass tech support and got no help which is what I expected. I feel its my right and my privilege to call and bitch whenever they fuck shit up. I need to let them know by calling them 80 times a month complaining about how much I loathe their service. It never does any good but add to my stress level, but it is a necessary evil. In closing, if you have comcast call them every time something doesn't work right. Bug the hell out of them. Call them 10 times a day if you have to, to get your point across. Don't let them control you just because of lack of options. Take back the internet!

A civic responsibility

That time of year is almost upon us. I'm not near as informed as I should be and I don't really care. Even though I know it really means nothing, it doesn't matter, I feel its something we all must do. Too many people in my age bracket feel it is a waste of time and don't even bother. You know what I have to say to that? Fuck you for bitching about the way things work. If you don't stand up and at least try, you have no right to bitch about anything that our government does. I don't want to hear how much you hate this or that. If you didn't get out to vote then shut your fucking pie hole. While I know my vote doesn't mean shit and never will, it does give me the right to bitch about what is going on. With that being said, its time to dust of my voter registration card and try to assimilate as much knowledge as humanly possible in the next 2 weeks so I at least have a vague idea of what the fuck is going on.

It's official

I did it. I bought myself a shiny new car. Its super sweet. The car I originally wanted was a 2002 Altima 3.5 SE. I went and drove it and I hated the clutch. It was probably the worst clutch I've ever used. The friction point was so small it was damn near impossible to find and actually shift smoothly and it was so stiff I thought my leg was going to fall off after about 20 minutes. Fuck that noise in rush hour. After that I bagged the idea of getting that one and decided I'd go out a dealership in Riverdale and see what they had. As I was driving back from Orem I passed Stockton to Malone and decided.... "Wtf?... I may as well drop in and see what they have, I have nothing better to do." So I looked around at their selection and found my Precious. Its a black 2002 Honda Accord LX. It has decent mileage and is in great shape. Once the weather clears up a bit I'll get a few pics together and put them up and show off my Precious.

Perhaps a new ride?

I'm at work way to early for my own tastes. But there is a reason. If all goes well I will leave early today and buy myself a new car. Well.... not a new car but one that isn't 10 years old. It all depends on if I get a loan and the car is not a complete pile of shit when I go and test drive it later today. Odds are knowing my luck though that the bank will deny my loan application. Which all in all wouldn't be a terrible thing. Really it would save me a ton of money and I'd just continue to put more and more miles on the Altima of death. Which is ok really, it still runs really good, but is leaking a bit of oil now. I know its only a matter of time though before she blows up completely so I would like to find a replacement long before that happens so I can at least get a few bucks for the car rather than just junking it. Hopefully I'll know more by this afternoon. Time to try and wake my ass up and get back to work.

Nightmare Before Christmas

The Nightmare Before Christmas 3D is play this Friday at Jordan Commons. I'm planning on going to the 8:20 show so if anyone is interested hit me up and we shall go. It will be glorious. If you don't go, I shall call you a loser and kick you in the shins.

Being smote by the Gaming gods.

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Survey of Doom!!!

1. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I'm way too smart to subject myself to that again.

2. What color are your eyes?
Mostly white.

3. What does your last text say?
where you at hommie? Not that its any of your business?

4. Do you smoke cigarettes?
Only when I breathe in.

5. What is one thing you question?
Why the fuck I decided to start doing this.

6. Do you lead people on?
that would involve having a flock which I am currently lacking.

7. Are you married?
Fuck that noise. refer to question 1

8. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it?
I have but after I while I stopped meaning it. Does that still count?

9. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Does my hand count?

10. Is there anyone that doesn't like you because of something you didn't even do?
Now how the hell would I know that?

11. Do you miss someone?
I do but I don't think I want to tell you who it is.

12. Do you think they miss you too?
Probably hard for them to do so as all there is blackness.

13. Will you ever speak to them again?
Again we speak of the blackness so no.

14. How many letters in their name?
What the fuck kind of question is this? Are you trying to trick me?

15. When is the last time you laughed?
When I saw some dude on break.com break his leg most likely.

17. Did any of your friends go out with your ex?
Nope, but my cousin did fuck one of my exes once.

18. What are you wearing right now?
If I told you that you'd have to picture me nekkid.

19. Are you mad at anyone right now?
Nope, no point in being mad, just ruins my day.

20. How is your hair?
what? how is my hair? Did I just get asked that? What the hell does that even mean?

22. Are you taken for granted?
Only when I get paid.

24. Did you stay friends with your exes?
I have a 66% success ratio in this department. Would be 100% but that would be a bit tricky.

25. Where do you keep your money?
What is this money you speak of?

26. Do you remember the most naughty night of your life?
Define naughty. I'm done some really dumb things in my day so you need to be a bit more specific here.

27. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Well that all depends on if I need to get laid or not.

28. What are your initials?
LK

29. Who/What made you angry today?
refer to question 19. I'm far too lazy to come up with another snappy comeback.

30. Baseball or Football?
They both get paid way too much but at least football is entertaining to watch.

31. Ever gone skinny dipping?
No one needs to see that, not even the fish.

32. Do you love anyone?
IIIIIIIIIIIII don't care about anyone else but meeeee. IIIII, don't care about anyone... or anything... but MEEEEEE!!!!!!! God damn I love me!

33. What are you afraid of?
Spiders, but if any of you fuckers decide its a good idea to play a joke I swear to god I'll kill you in your sleep.

34. What's one thing you've learned this year?
The hottest asian woman I've ever seen in my life live in Australia

35. Do you find yourself loved?
Only when my hand is in the mood.

36. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
Does running nekkid to your room when you hear keys in the front door count?

38. Paramore or Nickelback?
Parawho?

39. What's something that really bugs you?
The stupid dumb ass cocksucker mother fucker that decided it was a good idea to put a god damn ricer fin on his fucking suburban.

40. If you could say one thing to a certain person what would you say?
I'd like to say many things to many people so if I knew who you were talking about I could could actually make a smart ass answer.

The journey to End World.

After more than a year my journey is complete. My quest to the Dark Tower is over. I feel at peace with the world. I feel as if I've accomplished a great task. I feel fulfilled. I was there through the pain, the sorrow, the despair, the joy and the revelation. For a brief time I was Roland Deschain of Gilead, son of Steven, the line of Eld, the ka-tet of nineteen and ninety-nine. His quest to find the tower was my own.

Experiencing this epic tale was memorizing. Words truly can't describe it. There have been few tales that have been this captivating to me. That have truly made me part of the story and to actually feel every emotion.

I am sad that it has come to an end. For a long time I had my quest to keep me company, to go to when I needed an escape from the world. I will miss my friends, my ka mates if you kennit. But ka is a wheel and I know I will once again lust for the path to the tower and I will join my tet again.

Thankee sai. Long days and pleasant nights.

A Moral Dilemma

So here's the problem I'm faced with. A while back I posted why EA Games in the Devil. Here is the rant I posted and to which started the ban of EA games. So up to this point it has not been too much of a problem. I have been able to stick to my guns. I have not played, bought, rented, etc., any EA title since the news of their spyware first circulated. I have stayed strong. I have not coveted their games, I have not longed to feel the joy they would bring to my life. I have moved on, grown and become a better person because of it.

However, Hellgate: London is being released later this month and I have been waiting for it for quite some time. For probably close to a year I have wanted to play this game. When I first heard about it there was no publisher. Fine I thought, it is being developed by a studio that has not used EA so I thought I was safe. Turns out I thought wrong. Flagship Studios has decided it would be in their best interest to let EA distribute this game for them. Why they thought this would be a good idea I will never know. Why developers keep flocking to EA to produce their titles is beyond my comprehension. My fragile little mind can not handle it.

I know that EA had very little to do with the development of the game. However, the publisher still has a lot more say so than they should when it comes to what is in the final release of a game. They dictate what features "need" to be removed from a game, what the patch schedule will be, and how the consumer will ultimately end up being screwed out of their hard earned money.

Do I stick to my guns and refuse to play this game, or do I cave in? This is the dilemma I am faced with. My will is strong. I can hold out. I can refuse to play this game. I have enough to play to keep me occupied for quite some time and not bend my will to the evil that is EA. I do want to play it though, I will covet this title and wish I had my hands on it, engrossed in its story, battling the forces of hell as they try to take over earth. If a single game will ever cause my will and hatred of EA to be broken, it will be this one.

I will remain strong....

What if

I've lost my will to carry on. I no longer care about life's little trivialities. My apathy has reared its ugly head again. It has stormed over me like a tsunami. It stands by my side and holds my hand and I no longer care about anything. I don't want to get up to go to work. I don't want to play any of the 3 games I've started. I don't want to be social. I just want to lie down and sleep. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm too lazy to look for another job to try and fix my predicament. I'm too lazy to get out and try to find other things. I just don't care. No part of me cares at this moment. If I could slip away without being noticed I would, but I know that's not an option. Even still that would take effort and is something I am currently lacking. I know it will pass, it always does, but this case seems to be worse than usual. Maybe its just me not remembering how it feels, but I don't think so. I don't remember a time when I've been this bad about everything. Even writing this is making me think too much, but it is helping.

The world spins around me and I sit and watch. I see the little people going about their daily lives. I see the people that pretend to be happy and I wish I could be one of them. Maybe I will find that fake happiness one day. Maybe it will wash over me but I won't hold my breath. Nothing ever comes this way.

I sit here thinking of the what-ifs and makes my sink further into the hole. I've started thinking a lot about something in my past. A time when I thought I was happy. I don't know what started me thinking about it, but it seems to consume me. I can't get it out of my head. I know that if I would have stayed where I was at the time, and been herded down the path of society I would still be unhappy. Most likely would be worse off than I am now. I know this, yet I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder silently to myself what it would have been like, how things would have ended up and if I'd be the same person I am now.

Area 51

Going to Area 51 tonight. Planning on getting just stupid drunk on $3 kamikazes. Lord knows I need a few drinks to get rid of the stink of this week. Anyone who wants to come should go, it will be fun until we get kicked out, then it will be hilarious. Ok, back to the hell that is my job. Mmmmm...... sweet booze!

Stupid jobs

I've decided that I really dislike my job. The drama and the stress are getting to me. I feel like I'm drowning in it. I feel like I should put a bullet in my brain and just end the misery. If I had any ambition whatsoever I'd get off my ass and start looking for something new but I don't. Instead, I'll just sit here and look like I'm working when I'm not and counting the seconds until I leave.

It used to be such a nice neighborhood

This is what I got to deal with last night. This car wash is about 100-150 yards from my front door. This is the second time that my neighborhood has been in the news. The first time was a guy was running around flashing young girls, this time there are bombs. I so need to move.

Finally got a ride

Was finally able to go for a ride today. Man was it nice. Was a bit hot, but nothing beats hitting the open road on the bike. I was hoping with my time off this weekend that I'd get to for a couple of short day trips, but getting sick on Thursday put a damper on those plans. Today was the first day all weekend I felt up to riding. Granted I'm still not completely over it, still have the lingering cough and sinus congestion but that's easy enough to deal with when you don't feel like you're going to die. In my sickness to pass the time I've been playing a little Flight Sim 2004. Man I suck. I keep crashing into shit all over the place. My skills have gotten a bit better, but I still need a lot of work on how to actually land properly. Ok, time to start some laundry so I don't go to work nekkid tomorrow. Trust me, no one needs to see that... ever.

unghh

It's official, I'm sick. Would someone come put me out of my misery? Please?

09/21

Well.... I know what I'm doing on the 21st.

Back home

Fuck I hate airports. Everything about them sucks. Stupid people, very large crowds and waiting. I don't do well with waiting. It drives me crazy. So I get to the airport in Toronto and my flight is delayed as soon as I check in. Luckily the check-in guy took pity on me and put me on standby on the earlier flight. Somehow I managed to actually get a standby seat so I could make it to Chicago on-time so I could catch the connecting flight. However, as soon as I get their I find out that flight is also delayed. Again, I love Chicago. Have I mentioned this before, how much I love that city, how it always seems to get better each time I'm there? Luckily though the flight was only delayed by about a half hour so it wasn't too bad, gave me enough time to grab a little food. Both flights were uneventful which is a very good thing. So now I'm home, glad to be back and hopefully can get back into a normal rhythm. Ok, I'm off to find a quick snack then I think I must go to bed. So very sleepy.

Leaving Canada

I'm all packed and ready to go. I have to say I'm looking forward to being home. Its always good to get away from home and routine to make you miss your normal resemblance of a life. While I've had fun here, it gets old doing everything alone. Most likely the coming weekend will be a whirlwind catching with all the things I left dangling, and catching up with family and friends. Now all I have left in front of me is dealing with the airlines which I know is going to leave me stranded. Maybe I'll get lucky and actually make it to my connecting flight, but I'm not counting on it. Ok, I'm off to get the last few things ready.

Flying Penguin

I've moved forward with my plan. I have bought a domain name and paid for web hosting to try and sell my prints. The website itself is still under development. Hopefully it will be completed in the next couple of weeks. If things go smoothly (which they never do) I hope to have to done by the end of September. I have added a link to the new site which currently is nothing more than a place holder but hopefully I'll have at least a little bit of something up in the next few days while the site is built. Ok, that is all the updates for now. Keep checking back to see the future progress.

I'm so going to do this

This has to be the best prank ever!

A plan perhaps?

I've decided I want to try something new. I really enjoy photography and I think I'd like to test the waters to see if can make any money with it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to quit the day job, but just something on the side, make a few bucks and get my work known. One day I would like to be good enough to open my own gallery. I know that day is way over the horizon but its still a goal to shoot for. I have a few ideas of how to get started, but nothing concrete yet. I've talked to a few friends to get some input and start putting together a professional looking website in which to start conducting a little business. Odds are this venture won't go very far, but I would still like to see if I can get to at least get a couple of feet of the ground. If I do this I need to invest quite a more time and effort into getting more photos. I need to go out more often, need to get better at my craft and hone my skills. I don't have any dates yet for when anything would be near completion, but I do need to sit down and create a rough time line and set some goals so I can actually stay on track. I have a horrible tendency to get sidetracked and put good ideas on the back burner and forget about them. This is one project I need and want to see to completion. If for nothing else than to just say I did it. What's the worst that could happen if it takes off? I end up quitting my crappy job and doing something I love for a living. How bad could that be? I guess time will tell. If anyone has any advice or comments I'd love to have a chat and hear what you think. As I get more involved in the planning I'll post my progress and hopefully get some feedback on the direction things are going.

Was going to...

I was going to post some thoughts on life today, but the words just won't come out. So instead of getting some insight, you get this. Nothing. Hopefully the words will come soon as I feel I need to get it out. Its been festering for a couple of days now, but every time I try I come up with nothing. I get a million incoherent thoughts that are all jumbled together. Well, I'm going to call it a night and do some reading.

The last couple of days...

I don't want to go to work in the morning nor do I want to stay here. I think I'm ready to go home. At least I only have another few days then I will be on my way home. I am very much looking forward to it. My flight home takes me through Chicago and I know I'm going to miss my connecting flight. I'm actually quite stressed about it. The flights that I was booked on are with different carriers for each leg. First with United, then with American. With the luck I've had with United in the past the plane will be late to leave, cutting my 2 hour time to clear customs and immigration to next to nothing, plus getting back through security at O'Hare is going to take forever. When I flew out the lines to get through the security checks were insane. Would have easily been 60-90 minutes just standing to wait to get into the concourse. I'm fairly confident that I will be stranded there. Nothing about being in Chicago excites me. I've been there before, and have hated it each time even more than the last.

On another note, I picked up The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah and started reading it. If you haven't read the Dark Tower series by Stephen King you owe it to yourself to pick it up. Its been the most enjoyable read I've had. Every book is brilliant and holds on to you till the very end and then leaves you wanting more. I'm fortunate in that I started the series after all the books had been published and didn't have to wait the many years for it to be complete.

When I was out looking for this book I ended up at a fairly large mall. It takes going to a mall to make one remember quickly how much they suck. Too many people and screaming kids are a quick way to make one's eye twitch. In my wanderings I found a Wal-Mart and I have to say its not much different than the ones at home. Same people, same crowd, same everything.

Did some laundry, and god I hate laundromats. I miss having my own washer and dryer. I loathe sitting there and waiting. Actually I hate waiting in general so being in a hot place with a bunch of other people waiting for the laundry to be done is just another great way to spend a Sunday afternoon. And to make things worse having to sit in the sun and wait for the bus to take me there is a pain in the ass too. Makes one remember very quickly why they have a car and how much we take for granted the conveniences we have.

Oh well, it will all be over soon. Hopefully I'll get to have some time at home before I get shipped out again. And to be honest hopefully it won't come again. I don't think I much care for this whole traveling for work gig. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just for a short time, but 4 weeks is a long time to be away from everyone. Living in a hotel room sucks, eating at the hotel is expensive and being stranded here without a car sucks, so in general it just sucks. While I did get to come here on the company's dime if it was for a shorter duration it wouldn't be so bad.

Finally

So today was a pretty good day. Made some decent progress on the project I'm working. With the exception I found the worst code I've ever seen in my life. I spent about 3 hours today just trying to clean it up so I could understand what it was doing so I could write it more efficiently. With that 3 hours I spent I only got about half way through it so that should say how bad it is. After work today the VP of the company that I'm working for up here took the team out for dinner and drinks. While most of the people there I don't know very well, it was still good to get out with actual real people and be social rather than being a hermit and sitting in the hotel room. To be honest I almost feel revitalized after it. I think that may be what the mind needed to keep going for another week. While I do enjoy my alone time and require a certain amount of it to keep me sane, I think the last few weeks my balance has been off and that is what has been causing the feelings of dread and doom. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be back to the same ol', but at least for now I feel like it was a good day.

An end perhaps?

Today seemed to better than the last few. Which really is something of a relief. Other than work stress and realizing that there's not enough time to get done what needs to be done today was a decent day. I think tonight I should just relax and let my mind and body wind down from the events of the last few days. While this sounds like a great plan on paper I doubt it will actually happen. There isn't any reason I shouldn't, I have nothing to do tonight, nowhere to go or even any way to get there but I know I won't, I'll keep myself going right up to the time I should go to bed.

With everything that's been going on I think a drastic change may be in order. I don't know what the change will be or if it will ever happen, but I think something needs to. If I were a rich man or at least had enough money to support myself, that change would include taking a month or two off, doing nothing but revitalizing the mind, body and spirit. I think the majority of the problem lies in the feeling of just being burned out. This whole traveling thing really takes its toll. I know there are people who would disagree, but until you've done it and done it for the amount of time I have in the last few months you can't really say for sure. Maybe all these feelings are just feelings of homesickness, missing "my" things or something like that. Who knows?

When does it end?

Seriously now. How is it that each day can just get worse? Is it just me? Am I being smote for some unknown reason? If I am, what did I do? So here's the problem with today. I went down to the little cafe deal for lunch today. Since I was having so many problems pulling cash out I've decided I'm just going to use the card and use the little bit I pulled out for the necessities that I can't use the card for. I give the card to the cashier lady she does her thing then comes back and says, its been declined. At this point I'm thinking to myself, what the hell now? Has the strip gone out completely now? Am I now completely stranded without anyway to get money? After work I called the bank again to find out what's going on this time they tell me I have a $500 charge pending. What?!?! I haven't charged shit for that much since I've been here. I find out what its for and she tells me that its been charged by the hotel. How the hell does that work when the company's paying for it. So I go down to the front desk to ask about this and the guy there tells me its a $50 per day (yes you read that right, per day) security deposit. So at this point I'm super pissed and trying to hold my temper which I'm really not doing very well at and start laying into this guy. Had I known this upfront I could have said I wouldn't give them my card at check-in and something else could have been arranged. But nope, they failed to disclose this fact to me and authorized $500 against me that locked all the funds I had in my account and then some. After getting into with this guy he finally agrees to post back $400 to my account and the remaining will be the deposit. My question is this. Why does the hotel need 50 bucks a day as a deposit when they are already getting over $100 a day just to stay in a room with a bed, tv and a couple of lamps? Do they really think I'm going to watch that much porn that would necessitate $50 a day? So in the end everything worked out ok, I still don't necessarily agree with the deposit but at least its freed my money back up so I'm not completely screwed. Maybe tomorrow will better. Please?

A simple life?

Why can't things ever be simple? Why does life always have to be such a clusterfuck? So far this Monday has been just about as bad as yesterday was. I finally got a hold of the bank to find out what was wrong with my account. Their reply was "We have no idea." Fanfuckingtastic. They did have a few suggestions, that perhaps the magnetic strip was worn and no longer working properly. So I walked 20 minutes to the nearest ATM (oh, I moved hotels today but I'll get to that shortly) and try it there. Same thing, so I try my regular non-debit card, no go, finally decide to try my actual credit card and it worked. So lovely, I need to have my cards reissued and if I do that I won't have access to said cards until I get home. So at least I finally did get some cash out so I'm not quite so stranded now.

So back to the hotel thing, they moved the office I'm in about 20 miles west. One wouldn't think that so bad except to get there from the first hotel was a $44 cab ride. Fucking hell, I didn't want to drop that kind of cash on a simple trip across town. So here I am now, at a hotel that charges 10 bucks a day just to connect to their internet. Why must these places be so damn cheap? Its not like they aren't raping you enough with the god awful rates they charge to sleep in a bed for one night that they couldn't afford to just give you access included. On top of all that there is not a damn thing anywhere around this place. Its a 20 minute walk to a "mall" that at least a decent grocery store so I can pick up a few things, but that sucks ass when you have lug all that shit back. Ok, I'm done bitching for now.

The troubles of Sunday

I tell you what, today has been one shitty ass day. When I woke up this morning I had no thoughts on how the day would turn out. I figured I'd go check out the Greek Festival that was happening, take a few pics and get something to eat, then come back to the hotel do some laundry then pack my things so I could move to the other hotel. This little plan of mine was soon squashed. Having a mere $9 on me I figured I'd hit the ATM get a little money so I'd have no worries for the day. Well, while trying to pull money out it tells me "DECLINED at the request of your financial institution". WTF?! Why the hell would my bank decline me pulling my money out of my account? Who knows, being Sunday and all I can't call them to find out. And to top things off its 5pm and I finally have an Internet connection again. The damn things been down all day. Oh yes, i did ask the front desk about earlier and they said, its Sunday, not much we can do. you know what you can with your Sunday...? So not only was I stranded at the hotel, I haven't even been able to peruse the pr0n that would have entertained me in my hour of sorrow. So instead of going out and seeing what I can find, I'm stuck at the hotel doing laundry with no cash left over. However on the bright side, while I was doing laundry (would have still been at the festival at this point) it started to rain, at first a little trickle then it really started going. So at least I didn't get stuck out in the rain, but I'm still sitting at the hotel with no money and no food. Pity me.

New photos

I've posted some new pics on my flikr page from my trip today to Niagara Falls. I was going to write about the trip tonight too, but I'm tired and it can wait until tomorrow when I'm doing my laundry. So in the mean time, enjoy the pics and I will grace you with my thoughts on the area tomorrow.

Moved

Ok, I'm officially moving my "official" blog to here for ease of updating. Not that I ever really updated that often before but that was because it was a pain in the ass and AlienCC never created a front end for his Zabotage web portal. His code really was well done, but this is easier to use and gives me more flexibility in how I post. As of recently I've been using myspace blogs but I didn't really like the interface there either, or the fact that I was using myspace, so I'm abandoning it and moving here. Hopefully this will work out better and I'll finally get around to posting more.

Nothing

Lost. Lost in thought, wandering in my own mind, thinking about nothing, about everything. Unable to focus, unable to pick a direction and go. Lost, Wandering, Aimless. Days seem to come and go. No end in sight. One ends, another begins over and over. Restless, can't seem to find my place, my niche so to speak. I wonder if I was on the outside would I like this shell of the person I've become? Would I? I don't know, maybe. Am I really who I say am? Am I just an act to fool the masses? Apathy seems to engulf me. It always has a way of settling in. Making itself feel at home. It has become such a normal feeling I feel like I welcome it anymore. When it does go away I feel lost without. I think too much about what could be, would could be done, great things yet to happen. Soon though my old friend comes back and we settle back into this little slump. This is where its comfortable, where things are known. Always wondering when the next moment of clarity will come, then as soon as it does, wishing it would have stayed away. Lost in my own mind, wondering about things that mean nothing, wondering about nothingness and what that would be like. The thoughts that come are random, always benign, and mostly useless. They serve no purpose, no greater good. They are nothing which is exacly how I feel.

Spuntinni’s

Normally I'm very frugal when it comes to finding something to eat. Today however I thought I'd splurge a bit and try one of the fancier restaraunts in the area. I went to a place called Spuntinni's on the reccomendation of the hotel desk clerk. I have to say it was one of the best meals I've ever had. I had a veal dish with shi'take mushrooms and Italian mashed potatoes. If I was a rich man I'd go there again and sample their other dishes to see if they are just as good. But since I'm not, I doubt I'll be making a return trip which really is too bad. However if you ever find yourself in Toronto make it a point to go to there and have dinner. You won't regret it.

Exploring

I went and wandered around the city today. I made it down to the harbor front on Lake Ontario and the CN Tower. After getting a better feel for the city and actually seeing some of its sites, it feels like a better place. It is a very beautiful city. I feel physically exhausted from my travels today though. The CN tower was amazing. The views from there were incredible. It would have been much better had it not involved standing in lines to go up to observation decks for 90+ minutes. I loathe standing in lines. Nothing makes me crankier than standing that close to people I don't know for extended periods of time. While I was at the lower observation deck I decided to grab a quick bite to eat and admire the views. I have to say it was one of the best bowls of french onion soup I've had to date. I managed to take nearly 230 pictures today with my new camera. The more I use this camera the happier I am I bought it. Was worth every penny. If you'd like to check out a sample of the shots I took head over to http://www.flickr.com/photos/kazen/ and don't forget to let me know what you think.

The big "T"

I've been in Toronto for a few days now. Haven't gotten around the city much except for between work and the hotel which are about a block away from each other. It's nice having a 5 minute commute to work. So far the city seems nice, it stills seems angry and hostile to me, but I'm pretty sure its just being in a new place where I am out of my comfort zone. Even still though I don't care for this city as much as I did Sydney. It's not as clean, the people aren't as friendly and just doesn't have the same ambience. I always joke about moving to Cantanadia, but after being here I don't think it would happen. I did wander around the city a bit today after work. Didn't make it very far, only three or four blocks away from work, but enough to see a bit more of the downtown area. I finally started seeing some good looking chickas there. Before that I was starting to wonder if they even existed up here. At least there are a few floating around. Ok, time for a shower and get ready for bed, get to do it all over again tomorrow

Holy Shit

For some reason the powers that be at my job have decided to trust me to start travelling around the world. My current trip is taking me to Toronto Canada. I was asked on Thursday if I was able to go and I agreed thinking that they'd give me a week to get things ready and what not. Boy was I wrong. I was told today that I'm leaving on Sunday afternoon. Nothing like 49 hours of advance notice that you're going to be leaving the country for 4 weeks. I guess I shouldn't complain too much considering I don't have to pay for shit. But even still c'mon now, a little notice is nice so I can get some shit squared away first. Anyway, time to start getting ready and figure out if I can get myself fired on this trip. Here's hoping!

Stupid Stickers

Ok, so I'm all for stickers on your car that say who are or what you believe in. While I don't always agree with what I see its that persons right to display whatever message they choose as it is my right. However, why in the name of god do people find it necessary to tell me how many god damn kids they have, what their names are and their birth order?! (For those who don't know what I'm talking about its those retarded little stick figure stickers that say Mom, Dad, Jimmy, Angie etc) Who invented this shit? Who thought it was a good idea to go around and advertise what your 2 year old kids name is? Why do we care? Why do you want us to see this. With the amount of psychotic people on the planet that will do just about anything to just about anyone why would want to advertise this? What makes you think that I won't go online with your license plate number, find out where you live, what your last name is and any other pertinent information I need to steal your families identity. While I am not one of these people that think they are entitled to what everyone else has, there are people out there that do. Whose to say this won't happen. Why make yourself an easier target than you already are. To make matters worse I saw this the other day and this particular jackass had personalized license plates with his last name. Just makes you that much easier to hit buddy. God I hate people, they should all die.

I have been smote!

So get this. As most of you know I'm in the process of buying me a motorcycle. To be more correct I've been in the process for almost a year now, but my credit sucks so I couldn't get a loan to buy one until now. I finally convinced the bank that they should give me money and they actually agreed this time.

I selected a bike, picked the color I want, and set out to find the best possible price in the state. I found a dealer that didn't act like used car salesmen, were actually pretty cool and gave me a super good deal. When I say a super good deal, I'm paying just over 300 bucks over the MSRP out the door, but I'm probably going to add an extended warranty so that will raise the price some, but the actual bike price is awesome. Anyway, I go into the dealer I chose to have the privilege of my business, and say I want to buy this bike in this color. Of course they say, "we can do that!". They go to the computer to find me one. I thought, you know, this is a popular model, its going to be a popular color, there should several of them floating around the state that they can get for me. They checked the entire state of Utah and there isn't even one that is in the state. Then they checked the dealers close to the border. There isn't one to be had there either. In face there isn't a bike for me in 4 states. FOUR STATES!!! How the hell do I always get so lucky? I finally get the money to buy one, and then they don't exist in a 600 mile radius? Just my luck I guess.

So at this point I'm sitting here writing this and hopefully my guy is out looking to find me my bike. He said it could take 3 or 4 weeks at this point to get one because they may have to get it straight from the manufacturer. I guess that works though as I won't have to start making my payments quite as soon, but I still would have liked to bring it home and drool over it until the snow melts.