Questions float about me yet there are no answers. The more I try to answer the less I feel I know. My mind wanders from one idea to another, yet its always just out of my grasp. I know what I'd like, and I'd like to see that happen. I think I'm ready again. I fear things being much the same as they always are. I honestly feel its something I need and want in my life again. I'm actually starting to crave it again. Even with the things that have happened, and how things always seem to go, I still desire it. I don't dare get too excited because I don't know. There are still too many unknowns. Too many things that are so far out of my control that can ruin what I desire. I don't want to end up going to the light only to find the switch is broken and always has been for quite some time. This is always a fear that has haunted me. Even before this. I always seems to find some shiney new toy only to have it taken away from me. Yes I know I'm acting childish in this regard but it wouldn't be the first time its happened. These questions..... these things will haunt me until I can know. Yet I'm afraid to know if you really want to know. I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of it happening even though I want it. I know things always work out in the long run. It is just not knowing that I can't stand. This is one facet of myself I will never be able to change. Until I know, one way or the other I will obsess about it. Once I know it will be better... but if it goes one way I'll still want to know more, need to know, have to know. If it goes the other then it will stop, and I'm sure I'll bring it up in the mind from time to time, but it will fade.
I hate this torment I put myself in, yet I can't stop it. I can't turn it off. I wish I could. If I was a better person in certain aspects of my life I'm sure I could have already at least answered the initial questions. I didn't, which I'll go over and over why I didn't. It will plague my thoughts for days. These things always seem to have a way to creep into life at the most unexpected times. While I don't wish it had never happened I'd just like to know more. In a way I wish I could see into the future to see this played out. However even if I could would I? Would I trade the experiences and the uncertainty for knowing? I don't think I would. While this to me seems like torture, it will help me in many ways. It will make me a better person either way as long as I can learn from it.
1 comment:
lol it's time to do it again. It's always a fun adventure and part of that fun is never knowing for sure. It's a good thing though. I know the place your in and I think I'm in the place I am to avoid it, at least on some level. Either way it goes you gain something from it. It's not a time to be worried about it, go for broke.
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