I shouldn't feel this way yet I do. I have a mixture of emotions to be more exact. I feel embarrassed, confused, rejected, and a bit upset. I'm not upset due to anyone else but myself. I made a complete ass of myself and I can't stop thinking about it. I read something that wasn't there and because of that I've been knocked down a peg or two. I was really hoping that it was actually going the way I wanted, but it seems to have been only in my mind. While I have misread life before, usually I never act on certain aspects. This time I made a conscious effort to break the normal routines and play a more active role in the world. Because of that I feel rejected. Honestly there was no real rejection, as that would have happened much later, but it doesn't change the feeling.
In my life I've always been known to be a bit vague at best especially when its something I want. I think this comes from the fact that I truly fear rejection. It is one of my deepest fears and no matter how hard I try I can never seem to shake it. This time however I thought I was trying not to be vague, to be different than usual. To be direct, open and just ask a simple question. Somehow I still manged not convey key information. Once I realized my mistake I was mortified. I didn't know what to do, or what to say.
I still feel the way I did, and I don't think will change anytime soon. I still hope that there is a chance, that perhaps I just jumped the gun, but the pessimist in me is screaming; "This is why you shouldn't ever try." Do I regret my attempt? Not at all. This is but one small step in a very long road. A road that I'm actively trying to improve. I've learned from this experience even though it only happened a short while ago. Because of that I don't feel any regret or doubt. I at least know where I stand and I can hold my head up high and say I took the chance, I made the effort, I tried. But for now I still made an ass of myself, and still feel like an idiot. This will fade, but the knowledge will remain and that is what really matters at this point.
--
As a side note, I know I don't tell the people that mean the world to me thank you. So to those of who, and you know who you are; Thank you for your support. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for helping me become a better person. Thank you for just being you and always being willing to lend an ear in a time of need. I love you and I'm grateful that our paths have crossed.
That is all.
2 comments:
You didn't make an ass out of yourself. I realize that I only know part of the story, but I really think you handled it well and as a mature adult and you didn't make an ass out of yourself.
And I'm not entirely sure that the fault for the misunderstanding lay at your feet. I really think that a large part of it is due to the other party not "hearing" what you were saying. Or mis-reading your intentions. I don't know that it has to due with a lack of information on your end.
(Not sure I succeeded in the vagueness but I tried.)
Roller coaster... of love.. effing song lol.
I think the key information that was left out was left out for a reason and with good cause. I do agree with stephy that it was mis-read on one end. in my own personal experience I've always found it work to best if no direct question is asked and pieces are laid to play where they fall. Continue moving the direction your on, If you reach the check point you'll know it and nothing really needs to be asked.
Look at it like the leg incident, nothing was said but the feeling was implied, while a moment of shock may have been present, the rest kind of went from there. When I said keep monday in mind I didn't mean this up coming one, I meant the one that just past and the event that took place on that given day. That might take a minute for the dust to settle that and could be the reason you were lead to feel the way you do. Don't jump forward just yet, play it by ear.
Post a Comment