Sleeplessness

This week has really sucked. I still haven't readjusted to having to be on the work schedule. My body is still fighting me. My body says go to sleep, but the brain wants to stay active. I lie in bed for at least an hour each night trying to force sleep. It's always so fleeting and just out of grasp. I can never quite get there. Last night I felt like I never really feel asleep until my alarm went off and at that point I went into a deep sleep coma and slept through it. I loathe these bouts with semi-insomnia. There is nothing I can do about them. I've tried several techniques but nothing works. Pills do nothing but make the next day worse. I've tried the teas, meditation and relaxation. These work to a very small degree but not enough to actually call effective.

It seems as if as soon as I lay down my mind starts racing. Not with stress or fear, but with ideas and complete random thoughts. I often find myself replaying events in my mind and seeing what I could have done differently. Not because I regret any decisions, but because its interesting to see how things could change if a few words were changed throughout the course of a day. This excercise is completely pointless and serves no purpose but my own desire to control the world that is around me. Perhaps my mind races with this things because on a sub-conscious level I feel that I am failing as a person. Mayhap I am, and I'm sure in some ways I know I could vastly improve. I don't have the drive or the ambition to try and improve myself though. I'm content with who I am and where I am, but I always have that nagging thought in my mind that I could be more, do more, and be better than I currently am.

Perhaps I'll start writing some each night before I try to sleep. See if perhaps that will help calm my mind. It may be just the therapy my mind needs to help alleviate my minor symptoms. The question is though, will I actually do it? Will I spend the time and the energy to better myself or will I forget it about or just push it aside like so many other improvement projects I've started and never bothered to follow through on?